by Jay Russell
The art of the crank call lost all style with the invention of the cellular phone. Now people carry around a pocket computer cancer creator and only have the patience for text messages. When a phone actually rings (as phones will), an air of disgust and modern first world lament sweeps over the phone holder. Calls from unknown numbers used to hold excitement, and before that, all calls chimed in through your Garfield or Batman phone mysteriously without any forewarning. Blame it on caller ID maybe. Today an unknown number undoubtedly comes by way of Vegas Hotels, political campaigns in foreign languages and if you are lucky enough for real excitement, Russian blackmailers. What happened to the Arnold Schwarzenegger sound boards advising you to “get to the chopper” and bartenders relaying to the entire bar “has anyone seen Mike Roch?” Those days can be revived though, fight for what matters.
Here are some ideas to revamp the telecom thrill in your life. Press *86 to block the number of your call if you prank from a landline at grandma’s or work. Try calling florist shops, they will write out whatever dirty little note you want to accompany your bouquet. An experienced insight: ask them to draw stuff too, try to be descriptive with how you want your anatomy drawn out, may it be “smelly, discolored, sickly or humongous.” Anything will do, florist live for that stuff. Don’t deprive them of humor, dictate a really freaky situation. Warning: you may have to inform them that you are messing around, because those folks will write anything without batting an eye. Heck, their good sporting nature may actually lead you to buy some peonies to accompany that graphic note of 50 shades.
Did you know that your recycling bin lists a phone number? Unfortunately you’ll probably be put on hold and asked to enter in your secret agent code 007 or 006, your social, and date of birth, but hang in there. Do it for that beautiful soul working in the front office of a recycling conglomerate, it will make their day. Unpredictable repercussions may arise when asking if you should put femurs and teeth in the green bin, but the ensuing police investigation will be well worth the public taxes sponsoring it. With a 5 cent CRV per can on a 12 pack, by now you certainly have paid for a prank investigation or two.
Such a serious society we live in, ain’t it? One could study the Jerky Boy’s CDs and their film to get some good ide’ers or that Comedy Central show Crank Yanker,s as well. Live a little, live a lot, live from your couch impersonating Officer Barbrady or Chief Wiggum. Crank call a cell phone super power to ask them about telegram services. Some of these customer service employees cannot hang up first, so work on your extended comedy routine. The possibilities abound, power up that car phone, drive to a state that allows calling while driving, and crank away.