by Ted Gargiulo — March Movie Mania is upon us again. And Nitpix has some amazing stuff in store for you this Spring! I invite you to peruse our library of undiscovered treasures and see for yourself. If you haven’t downloaded our catalogue, then you need to drop everything and do so—right now!
Well? Didn’t find a single movie you liked, did you! There’s a reason for that. Most of the popular classics and hit favorites you were looking for have been removed (except for a few teasers) to make room NEW inventory. Whatever you’re looking for, or thought you were looking for, no longer matters, because Nitpix offers you something far better: flicks you didn’t KNOW you wanted to see!
How do we presume to know your mind better than you do? By following you around the Internet. Our researchers track your surfing habits. They know where you live and work, where you shop, who your friends are, how you amuse yourself. They read your comments on social media. They’re even privy to the sleaze you peak at late at night when you think no one’s watching you. There’s no need to fill out a lengthy psychological profile when you join Nitpix, because they’ve already composed one for you. Based on their findings, our sophisticated computer algorithms can custom-pick movies to complement your perceived tastes, jump-start your imagination, exploit your fears, and satisfy your deepest longings.
Say, for instance, you were exploring home improvement websites last week. Nitpix might recommend thrilling, true-to-life tales of mildew, leaky roofs, wrenches and water heaters. Perhaps you’d rather witness a handyman’s convention in Omaha, or take a tour of Moscow’s sewers. Say you’ve been checking out real estate in Wyoming. Then prepare to be inundated with Wild West sagas, horse-roping exhibitions, Bigfoot sightings, and tutorials on barbecuing muskrat. Planning an overseas vacation? Skittish about flying? Nitpix will regale you with travel documentaries, ethnic sitcoms, and airline disaster flicks.
Like what you see? If not, you’ll LEARN to like it!
Unlike ordinary movie plans, Nitpix has gone out of its way to reinvent its programming. First, to demonstrate that WE, not you, are running the show. Second, to prove that you’re NOT the discriminating viewer you think you are. Our research has determined that you, like most viewers, are shallow, easily placated, and likely to watch anything we shove in your face, especially if we hype it with fake reviews and multiple-star ratings. That’s why we’ve replaced those expensive titles you’re accustomed to finding, with obscure, third-rate industry rejects that are cinchy to replicate and cheaper to stream. By keeping our operating expenses down, we can afford to bait you upfront with a low-cost trial subscription—the better to ensnare you later with a long-term contract you’re probably too lazy to read.
Gradually, we’ll dumb you down to where you neither realize, nor care, what kind of swill you’re being fed. Then, when you’re back is turned, we’ll switch you over to “Premium Service,” jack up your monthly rate, and claim that we’re “improving your viewing experience.” We’ll even throw in some useless tech equipment to embellish this deal you unwittingly agreed to.
Take it from us: Once you let Nitpix into your life, you’ll never trust another video plan again. Nor would you want to!