by Robyn Justo — At breakfast this morning, I overheard a woman chastising her husband or boyfriend about ordering a glass of OJ.

“Do you know how many oranges make a glass of juice?” she asked sternly.

“I don’t know…10?” he guessed in a childlike and somewhat emasculated voice.

“FOUR,” she said, correcting him. She let him have a small juice after the inquisition.

I wasn’t sure if she was concerned about his health, the amount of sugar, or an orange shortage somewhere on Earth, but as far as I knew OJ wouldn’t kill you (although a jury would beg to differ.) But it got me to ruminate about what is good or bad for me.

Consider this my “Breaking up with food” rap. Or my rant about the can’t. Maybe I am not meant to eat. Maybe I’ll become a faster to avoid a disaster or perhaps join the Breatharians.

When I was a kid, I swallowed bobby pins, jacks, celluloid, dirt, paste, and more. Mom gave me a raw egg to make me throw up the bobby pin, but now I am not supposed to have eggs so if it happened today, I would probably choke to death. Another little girl I knew pulled the snails in her backyard out of their shells and swallowed them whole. And we survived. Why is it so complicated now?

I have some questions. Why isn’t cookie dough high on the raw food list? And who put the WAH in quinoa? The perfect protein is loaded with carbs which I can’t eat anymore. With high cholesterol, higher blood pressure and sugar levels, IBS, and more, there isn’t much that I can ingest let alone digest.

If there’s a new diet, I can’t even try it. Insulin resistant, I need an assistant for buying my food (please make it a dude). High protein used to work wonders for me, but now I can’t eat any dairy or butter (oh gee, there’s ghee!) or cheese because of the fat and cholesterol but an egg is protein so give me one please. And where’s the gorgonzola and why can’t I have granola? I miss the days when Cheerios and Wheaties were the breakfasts of champions! Now the gluten and GMO Nazis (am I even allowed to speak or politically correctly write this word now that there are so many restrictions about what not only goes IN our mouths, but what comes OUT of them) make me say NO to cereal. I’m just a bowl of confusion.

The folks at the gym told me to eat grains because they’ll help with my veins and work out to be a hottie because I have too much body. I would settle for being a lukie, luke warm at best.
But the doctor says carbs are my worst enemy. Personally I think my doc is. No bread, no roll and it’s taking a toll. No beans, brown rice or anything nice. No cookies or cake and nothing to bake.

My lipid specialist told me to start getting used to my hair falling out from the cholesterol drug and lower my salt intake for my blood pressure. I love salt and it’s not my fault! On a side note, a friend found a hair on her plate while we were dining a few weeks ago. The hostess actually accused me of flipping my hair and teleporting it across the table. Just what I was dreading, am I already shedding?

Keto, Kato, better off with PlayDoh and a side of paste. North Beach, South Beach, son of a beach.

Most fruits have too much sugar. Bait and switch to Xylitol which looks and tastes like sugar but can kill a dog yet save my teeth? It makes me bloated, but so does chewing gum, milk, eggplant, and air.

No processed foods for me. What does that really mean? No alcohol or coffee. I’m going to get mean without my caffeine.

Soy used to be a good sub for animal protein. But now it’s bad, especially for women. Soy or no soy? Is it GMO? Soy NUTS! (Spanish to English mashup: I am LOCO!)

Veggies are supposed to be good for me, but carrots and potatoes are not due to the dreaded glycemic index and carb count. Potatoes bad, lettuce good unless it is tainted with ecoli. (Why do I always think of the Ricola commercial when I hear ECOLI!??)

As a spiritual woman, I know I should be vegan and eat nothing with a face which excludes the human race so I could never be a cannibal, Hannibal, as much as I want to bite someone sometimes when I am sans caffeine. Seriously though, if I chose a purely vegetarian path, I would be pretty much limited to broccoli and kale, sans the mac and cheese. And Atkins is dead, this all hurts my head.

I’m hungry just thinking about all of this, but I can’t make a ham and cheese sandwich. Nix the ham due to the salt, cholesterol, and guilt. Forget the cheese and mayo and toss the bread because of the carbs. And what am I left with? Air, which as mentioned, bloats me and makes me ineligible for my Breatharian membership.

Is fatter badder and does it even matter? Do I really want to be a thin, bald, grouchy, but live old person? Frustration and fear, might as well have a beer. We’re all gonna die, so why even try?
Now when I have a question about my digestion, I’ll make a list, check it twice, pucker up and suck on some ice. It’s probably the only thing I should put in my mouth.

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