I Am a Human Bing

by Robyn Justo — I’m going to blame all of this on Roseanne Barr and the reboot of her infamous show. Not that I didn’t like it because I did and this isn’t about the ridiculous comments that Twitter out of her mouth. 

It’s about what her sister Jackie wore during one episode. I fell in love with an Aztec sweater that night so I went on the hunt. I became obsessed with finding it as I instantly transformed into a human Bing search engine and during the process lost my soul and most of my sanity. I found (and bought) things I never knew I even wanted. Crazy monkey hoodies. Who knew I needed a glow-in-the-dark ET shirt or secretly always wanted a Bambi sweatshirt? 

Most of this came from that resale site for sore heads I mentioned last month called Poshmark.  Maybe it’s the crazy deals or maybe it’s the camaraderie of so many other nuts like me, but it’s the excitement of the search and the fact that you get presents in the mail! Ok, they are kind of from me to me, but someone else has found it, wrapped it up in a bow and tissue with a thank you card and dryer sheet to make it smell nice and sometimes even candy or other presents and Bible messages included (if they are a good seller and don’t just throw it in a box with bad riddance saying “Don’t let the cardboard hit you on your way out!). And it shows up at the post office addressed to me! What a concept. Three million other pairs of eyes shopping for me.
It’s a risk, yes. Will it fit? There is a new meaning to “shrink-to-fit” which is what I will have to be doing to wear a Lucky Brand shirt I bought in small hoping it would stretch enough to cover me. Did I feel lucky?

Did the seller tell the truth or is the sweater snagged and stained? The whole question is why are they getting rid of it? Could be the urge to purge like I get every once in a while and hope to get again? Or is it a perfectly great item that will work for the next person? A few times I got what I didn’t expect like a neon orange sweater (listed as pink and perfect but bright enough that I could flag air traffic or volunteer as a nighttime crossing guard) showing up reeking of smoke and snagged and when not accepting the item, being accused of ruining it by the madwoman who sold it to me. By the way, the other risk is that these people have your address. Good thing this one lived in Iowa or Kansas. If she flies out, I’ll just flag her plane in the opposite direction, wearing her sweater!

I have some friends who would never do this. They don’t want the energy of something previously owned. Some of these folks meditate on Oneness and yet object to sharing clothing, but we are all trading material goods and energies…and we share the air.

It’s also like looking into someone else’s life and closet. I peek past the item and see what is behind it (pets, messy rooms, stuff you wish you hadn’t seen). I’m also a CSI closet agent. Some sell intimate items like bras and underwear, makeup, nail polish, and a whole lot more that I don’t really want to know about that should have stayed IN the closet!

It must be a tribal trait of the female. Typically you don’t hear guys saying, “Hey I have a spare couple o’ pairs of tighty whities. Five bucks and I’ll wrap ‘em up nice for you. Interested?” They gather over the Budweiser, right? As soon as I had this thought, I overheard a guy in an upscale Carmel thrift shop asking if they had socks. Eeesh. But what was worse was that the friend he was with said, “Hey I have a couple o’pairs I’m not using!” 

It’s kind of like Match.com without the grief of the date. But it’s the same concept of scrolling for what you think you want, for that elusive Aztec sweater, making an offer and waiting to see if it’s accepted, watching for likes on your items if you become a seller (which I did after realizing how much I bought!). You gotta know when to hold and know when to fold ‘em (the clothes) and pack and ship ‘em.

A woman on the site offered mystery packages where you could buy a few things you selected and also get some things she selected for you. People eat this up. I didn’t bite though. She admitted to me that she had 40 tubs of items, two plus hanging racks, a 10 x 15’ room filled with clothes, and a partridge in a pear tree. It scared me so much, I opened my own closet. I have to admit though, I made my things look so good that I wanted to keep them. “Wait, I LOVE that!   You can’t have it!” Kind of like letting go of an ex.

We can eat Beer Nuts and shop in our PJs here as we learn about Lularoe butter leggings and overpriced Lululemon athletic wear, and the oxymoron of how in demand Free People clothing is when it should be aptly termed Expensive People!

One buyer apologized for not shipping sooner because she went to prom? WHAT??? I am buying from a 16 year old? I need to buy more so that I can pay for her dress. 

Maybe I think this will increase my life expectancy and I’ll have to live long enough to wear it all. Maybe it is an addiction and I’ve fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole and the only pills I need to ask Alice about are the ones on the tops I am buying.  

Most of the members admit to the addiction when they are up at three in the morning checking their messages. Sure there are great deals to be had, but the shipping charges add up quickly. We don’t think about that. Awareness is 9/10 of the cure though.

A very sweet seller sent me the cutest, softest stuffed monkey (no, not the crazy monkey hoodie gal) and it brought me to tears. She knew I liked it and included it for free. Ah the kindness of strangers here.

Am I addicted? Not sure, but right now I am Poshitively practicing the presents. 

2 Replies to “I Am a Human Bing”

  1. Beautifully written and heart felt. It was like reading my own diary. Yes, I have fallen victim, too. At first, I thought it was just to sell your own clothes when a lady asked me if I had the sweater in a medium. I thought to myself she’s nuts. Why would I have 2 sweaters just alike in different sizes. Then slowly, it all started dawning on me. Hmmm! I love this! A few guys have hit on me, thinking this was match.com but that’s ok. It boosted my day. I don’t get hit on much at this age. Haha. Great article! Loved reading and identifying with it. P

  2. So, sooo adorable! You nailed it! You nailed us! Just about all of the “us” that I can think of in the whole of this girlie web. Well done! ??????

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