Dear Will,
My name is Zshberkle. I come from the planet Zorak. I have a problem only you can solve, Will Fargo.

I believe you know the beings who claim to be my progenitors, Zshbelzagub and Zshbula from the planet Zorak. I have a large question in my frontal lobe regarding the legitimacy of their authority over me, Will Fargo.

I believe you and the female component of this legal union who claim me as their offspring, have been engaging in secret mating activity. Is this true, Will Fargo? If it is, I must question whether Zshbelzagub, the male component of this union, is truly my male progenitor.

Will Fargo, I believe you are my real male progenitor.

And I must have proof of this and as soon as possible. There is a radical new video game called Sector Zero coming out in two weeks, and I know Zshbelzagub will not let me purchase it.

I am not aware of what his big problem is with this awesome game. But it is not fair to me because I am the quintessential target audience member for this game.
This game calls my name, Will Fargo. It was meant to be, Will Fargo. You must help me prove to the highest Zorakian court that Zshbelzagub is not my real male progenitor. You are, Will Fargo!

Will Fargo, I know you do not come from planet Zorak, and that you do not have the appearance of a Zorakian. And that I look exactly like a full-blooded Zorakian. So how could it be that you are my male progenitor?

Will Fargo, it is because you… you are no ordinary Earthling. Will Fargo, you are also… please Will Fargo, sit down Will Fargo… you are also… part space alien, Will Fargo!!
Please, let me explain:

Thousands of years ago, Will Fargo, on planet Zorak, Zorakian scientists replaced natural procreation with far superior technological systems. And eventually the silly natural biological processes once used to procreate were completely forgotten.

But then, when Zorakian space travelers came to planet Earth centuries later, and the female Zorakians came in contact with male humanoids whose operating systems are still fueled by the powerful chemical you call testosterone, it was, as you say, all over, Will Fargo.

One thing led to another, Will Fargo. Babies were born. Really weird-looking babies.

And all of Zorak was ashamed.

So, Zorakian scientists came to the rescue, Will Fargo, and they covered up this scandal. They cooked the genetic books of all the weird “babies of shame” by relegating all their Zorakian genes to recessive status.

So then all these babies of shame grew up without a clue of their Zorakian heritage because they and their offspring looked exactly like full-blooded Earthlings.
Unless of course one of the weird babies (and here’s the kicker, Will Fargo)… OR one of its descendents (you, Will Fargo!) mates with a full-blooded Zorakian, (my mother, Zshbula) then the Zorakian genes are once again released, and the Earthling genes recede (me, Will Fargo!).

So you see, even though I do not look like a chip off of the old block, it is you who are my real male progenitor, Will Fargo. And therefore, you, not Zshbelzagub, are the one who has rightful jurisdiction over what video games I can and can’t have.

Will Fargo, if I do not have the first issue of the awesome new video game coming onto the market in two weeks, I shall die!! Please understand that I am a young Zorakian with profound and urgent techno-cultural needs!

You must understand that the violence in this game is without rival! In this game the player is allowed to engage in the most creative killing ever imagined on your planet or mine! It is simply awesome, Will Fargo! I must have Sector Zero now!!

Please save me from imminent death by parental techno-cultural neglect! Come with me to Zorak, and testify that you are my real male progenitor. Will Fargo, you are my only hope!!

Signed,
Zshberkle… Your Secret Offspring… in Pebble Beach.

Dear Mr. Zshberkle,
My name is Clyde Howe, Attorney at Law. I am contacting you on behalf of my client, Will Fargo. Mr. Fargo has expressed compassion for your plight but has asked me to convey the following to you:

Although it is true that he has an ongoing very close encounter relationship with Zshbula, your mother from Zorak who resides in Pebble Beach, there is just simply no way that he could be your father because crap like that just doesn’t happen to him.

As for your assertion that Mr. Fargo is a space alien: Cool!

Please, attempt no further contact with Mr. Fargo, or he will sue your ass.

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