Dear Will,
My friends think I’m crazy because I feed my dog steak. But I don’t see anything wrong with it. After all, he’s the best buddy I’ve ever had! What do they think, he’s some sort of animal or something? If they had their way, I’d probably be feeding him dog food every day! But I think that’s messed up.

My question is, should I listen to them because I know they’re right and I’m nuts? Or should I slash their tires and shoot their cat because they hate my dog?

Signed, Confused Loyalties… in Carmel Valley

Dear Confused Loyalties… in Carmel Valley,

I think killing your friends’ cat goes a little far, don’t you, Carmel Valley? True, it seems they’d rather starve your dog to death than let him have the good things in life.

But why stoop to their level? I think you should just get a little more creative with your plan to get even.

How about this? Maybe you could figure out a way to set up your dog with their cat? What if they hit it off? Then you can have the last laugh by stealing their cat’s love and breaking their spirits.

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book, Carmel Valley. It’s called revenge of the heart and it’s a tried-and-true technique when you want to hurt the ones you love for whatever reason.

Plus, it’s a far better option than doing anything that will piss off any animal rights people.

Trust me, don’t ever do that. When it comes to groups with a cause, the passions of animal rights activists surpass all others with a backboard-shattering slam dunk.
Don’t get me wrong though, Carmel Valley. I’m not calling your dog’s girlfriend an animal or anything. Your friends’ cat is a girl, isn’t she?

All cats are girls, aren’t they? And all dogs are boys, right?

Plus, you think your dog is your best friend now? Just wait till he gets a taste of the wild side with that furry little feline. He’ll be so happy you’ll probably never get him off your leg.

But there may be another option, Carmel Valley. That is, if you think this sordid game of forbidden love is too risky or scandalous.

You could try one of the other oldest tricks in the book. You could try winning their cat’s heart away through her stomach, much like you do with your dog.

Once again, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying your dog only loves you because with you he knows where his next gourmet meal is coming from.

Or that you feeding him steak is nothing but a desperate attempt at buying his love.

Of course I’m sure that’s all true, but I would never come right out and say it. Give me a little credit here, will you? I think I’m a little more sensitive than that!
In fact, how dare you think that I would be so brash? You know, it’s starting to feel a little like you’re biting the hand that feeds you with these sorts of allegations!
So like I was saying, maybe another alternative could be some revenge gourmet cooking?

I wonder if your dog’s hottie has ever had a nice juicy salmon steak with a little fresh basil? Or how about a lovely tuna and cheese fondue?

Maybe your dog could help you cook? Does he know how? Maybe you could teach him? How old is he, anyway?
You know, I almost forgot about the first part of your question, about you being nuts.

Maybe that’s actually what’s going on here and I’m just picking up on it a little too much? I have to admit, these suggestions that are coming to me do sound a bit off.

You didn’t slip me a little catnip when I wasn’t looking, did you?

Well, in that case maybe we’re both nuts and so maybe we should turn to your dog for advice? You never know, he could be the most profound philosopher we’ve ever known.
And in that case, we could have yet another option. We could twist and turn his teachings into a religion and use a more traditional style of subjugation to exact willful revenge on your insensitive friends.

And then the term dogma would finally make sense and not sound so weird.

So you see, Carmel Valley, there are really all sorts of alternatives to victimizing some poor kitty cat when it comes to evening the score with your so-called friends.
You just have to let your mind wander around a bit in order to find them.

Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
Need good, solid bogus advice? Will Fargo may be reached at