Editor’s note: The following is an encore presentation of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will did not send in a column this month. He was abducted by space aliens. Foolish Times is currently negotiating his safe release.

Dear Will Fargo,
Will Fargo? The Will Fargo? My Will Fargo? Will, does the name Cloy ring a bell?

I didn’t even remember that short past life of mine back in Weedpatch, North Dakota. But then I saw your name, and a whole cloud of dusty memories kicked up, and I felt the pangs of pet and owner love once again.

Will, you rescued me from that nasty tomcat, Jinx, do you remember?

Signed,
Cloy, Your Faithful Lizard in a Life Gone By

Dear… Cloy?
Is it really you? I can’t believe it… but I must believe it! No one but my fourth grade teacher Priscilla Buttons ever even knew about you! And she hasn’t been seen ever since she disappeared in that little puff of blue smoke while correcting papers on her porch swing back in Weedpatch in 1968.

The local paper said it was Spontaneous Human Combustion, Cloy. Very mysterious. Not to me, though. I’ve nearly gone up several times myself while deep in my creative state.

Just one really profound thought is all it takes. Einstein, matter into energy. Poof! Just like that, Cloy. Come to think about it, I think it was one of my movie script treatments Miss Buttons was reading!

Anyhow, Cloy, what… how… what’s going on with the universe here? I’ll never forget that awful day of your untimely mushing by that cruel 1954 Pontiac, just when we were going into postproduction with my first film project that you were starring in.

That dinosaur flick, remember? I was destroyed, Cloy. It took weeks and weeks of gentle humming and head scratching every day after school by Priscilla Buttons before little Will Fargo got his spirit back.

I remember it was her first year teaching. She was just 21. But very well developed.

So you’ve reincarnated, huh? That’s hip. Can I assume that you are a human being by now? Wow, do you think that will work for you? It’s bizarre, I’m warning you right now, Cloy.

So where do we go from here, Cloy? Do you think Priscilla Buttons has reincarnated too? I’d really like to know which line it was in my script that blew her away. I need something for my next project.

Oh no, what if she’s a lizard now? Cloy! I need your help! We have to go visit one of the local psychics and find Priscilla! You need to help channel her! Oh crap, Cloy, there are too many psychics to choose from! OK, Cloy, quick, start thinking about Priscilla Buttons!!

And yes, I do remember rescuing you from the ferocious Jinx, by the way. One question, though. If you were so grateful, why were you so difficult on the set when we were filming, Cloy?

Why couldn’t you just keep still for all those key shots? What, was the leading dinosaur role first time out just too much for your ego to handle?

Actually, thinking back on it, Cloy, you were some of the fussiest talent I’ve come across yet! In fact, it was all because of you that I gave up the business!

Don’t you realize filmmaking is 1% glamour and 99% waiting around in the director’s pants pocket? Why you little prima donna! I remember now, you were always trying to run off and chase down the paparazzi!!

You know, if it weren’t for that pathetic wannabe Hollywood attitude of yours, Cloy, I would probably be a big famous film director by now! Clint Eastwood would probably be licking my boots right now if it weren’t for reptiles like you!!

Yeah, thanks Cloy, now I’m stuck driving this stupid bus. I do get some limo gigs on the weekend though, that’s pretty cool. I wish Eastwood would use limos more often. I really need to connect with him. You know, Cloy, our story might really play out well for his next project!

Have you been in anything else since then, Cloy? You know, we never really talked about your behavior on the set. Maybe you weren’t really aware of what you were doing. Were you using any substances during that time?

Oh, I see, you were just all jacked up on snow, that’s why you were so jumpy!

You know, if we’d have known back then how great steroids were, we wouldn’t have had to do everything miniature and you wouldn’t have gotten hooked on blow ‘cause you were so bored waiting around for all the tech crap!

Plus you could have probably eaten that stupid Pontiac alive! But that’s all behind us now, Cloy. We’ve gotta look ahead.

We could go full circle on this thing! Make a hit film on the whole fiasco! Eastwood could finance it! He’s already done his thing, I’m sure he wants to branch out and help some visionaries like us, Cloy.

Check it out! Boy meets lizard, makes dinosaur flick, has thing for teacher who disappears mysteriously, lizard wacks out on coke and roids, gets squished chasing paparazzi through tunnel, but reincarnates to big comeback and wins Oscars! It’s all right there, Cloy!!

We need to throw this thing down in a screenplay and bounce it off the psychics, Cloy! If they like it how could Eastwood turn it down!? He’d be crazy!

And that’s impossible, Cloy, because no one at Mission Ranch is crazy, everyone knows that!

That’s it, Cloy! We’re in!! See, this is what I’m talking about, you just have to go with it and everything falls into place, babe! What, do you think you’re talking to some lightweight here? E my cell, Cloy, we’ll blow lunch over this thing.

Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo

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