Dear Will,
I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas.
You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together. But I know I’m probably not perfect because no one is. At least that’s what everyone says all the time. (Please note that I have never said that.)
Could you help me figure out a New Year’s resolution so I can put a little extra polish and shine on my life?
Thanks, Will, you’re the best.
Signed,
Challenged to Improve… in Carmel

Dear Challenged to Improve… in Carmel,
OK, this is a code red emergency, Carmel. Quarantine may be warranted here in order to prevent massive numbers of Foolish Times readers from becoming violently ill.
A New Year’s resolution is certainly in order and should be made ASAP. My first instinct is that it should be something like… “I vow to completely change everything about myself starting the day before yesterday.”
However, there is a slight possibility that the sort of awe-inspiring ego inflation you are currently experiencing is not quite as bad as it looks. It may be just a temporary phenomenon.
In that case, it is most likely a simple, less severe compensatory condition caused by a preceding period of obsessive self-doubt from which you simply need a break.
If that’s what’s happening here, Carmel, then I would say a little harmless grandiosity and deluded self image might not be so bad. Maybe it could even be healthy. But I would recommend a little more creativity. It could enhance the whole process.
What could be the harm in, let’s say, thinking for awhile that you’re the president of the United States or something like that? As long as you keep it more or less to yourself I don’t have a problem with it.
It’s quite a nice little all-natural chemical rush feeling, that kind of power, Carmel. Who cares if it’s true or not? It doesn’t matter. Your body doesn’t know the difference. You’re the only real president as far as it’s concerned.
Or, spending a little time as a Greek god or goddess is also a good lift. Get ready for some residual benefits in the way of some awesome tingling in both your temples and your loins if you go there, Carmel.
I hope you’re paying attention to what I’m telling you here, Carmel. Don’t be some little fraidy cat when it comes to your imagination. It’s really all you’ve got if you think about it.
But then, reading your question again… it worries me, Carmel. This cry for help in finding anything wrong with you… it’s pretty serious. I’m afraid if you don’t do something about it right away, it could lead to a deadly outbreak of Ohpleaseitis that could wipe out millions.
You need to figure out a way to come back down to earth and resume more rational levels of sublimated self-loathing and guilt that most properly acculturated people live with every day, and in fact build their lives upon.
Perhaps you should consider joining a support group for closet underdogs. Not only could you get the help you need but you could probably also connect with some pretty big people.
Just make sure you wear enough bling to the first meeting. You don’t want to give off a first impression of pretense by dressing down. You’re going to need these people; don’t insult them by showing progress on the first date.
Any hint of humility you portray at this point could blow up in your face. This is not the time to reveal any earthbound tendencies toward personal enlightenment or self-truth.
And for god sakes keep your nose up, Carmel. You will be faced with some fierce competition, so you need to hold your ground. Hmm, maybe we’ve hit on something here. How about this for a resolution:
Before the year 2009 is out, you will undergo a little plastic surgery; a rhinoplasty that will permanently place your nose to a fixed and prominent upright position. This should leave you feeling quite polished, Carmel.
OK, I think that’s all I have for you on this one. I just read your question again and I think I may be coming down with something.

Need good solid bogus advice or special answers to questionable questions? Will Fargo may be reached at <WillFargo@foolishtimes.net>