Dear Will Fargo,
I really dread the winter coming. Especially the month of December. I can’t stand all the phony holiday crap with Santa Claus and the Elves and all that North Pole garbage. Can’t we just skip all that nonsense and accept the season for what it really is? Cold, wet, and miserable.

Signed,
Inclement Reader… in Sand City

Dear Inclement Reader… in Sand City
You have no quarrel with me, Sand City. I too am sick of all the imaginary happiness that’s peddled during the worst month of the year. Why doesn’t everyone just face it? The nights are long, the air is freezing, and people are depressed.

Why do you think January is the beginning of a new year, anyway? It’s because December is so awful and hard on everyone, that we have no other choice but to just dump the whole year after it’s finally over and start all over again.

In fact, if you’ll notice on the very last night of it, we party harder than we have all year just because we’re so glad it’s over. And then literally overnight we launch ourselves as far away from it as we can possibly get.

Just look at what happens to people in December because of all the stress. Suddenly, perfectly normal people, who are usually good parents, resort to lying, manipulating, and deluding their kids with all the Santa Claus crap just so they’ll behave for the whole month and help ease the stress.

But what these people don’t realize is the negative long-term effect this has on their kids.

Once the kids snap out of it and come to the realization that there never was a Santa in the first place, and that mommy and daddy are nothing but liars and manipulators, that’s when the dark forces of the human psyche take over and the children’s fate is decided.

It’s at that crucial point in life that most children go on to join one of two groups:
Group one; those who lose all trust in people and become dangerously cynical at a tender age. Or group two; those who take it in stride but see the possibilities in the modeled behavior.

The first group grows up to be either prison inmates or prison guards, take your pick. Any difference between the two is negligible.

And virtually all in the second group become master liars and manipulators themselves who take advantage of peoples’ weaknesses and ignorance at every turn. You would recognize them as elected public officials.

What I don’t understand, though, is… why Santa? Why are we using him as an icon of joy and benevolence? Just take a look at that guy’s behavior for a minute. What’s his first move? Breaking and entering… hello?

And what about his slave labor toy factory on the North Pole? That place makes Siberia look like Waikiki Beach. What’s the UN doing about that anyway? Do you really think that Santa’s elves have any say about their fate?

Santa’s operation on the North Pole is the biggest shame that ever befell humanity! Not even James Bond could shut it down, although he tried.

But then two things happened:
First, Santa’s concubines side-tracked 007 by getting him all caught up in his old addiction behaviors again. Then, before he got a chance to get his pants back on and back on track, the CIA delivered a message to Her Majesty’s Secret Service telling them to back off.

Why? Because shutting down Claus’s operation would completely destroy the shield of protection the whole commercial Christmas machine provides to the average American family by keeping them way too busy just trying to keep up with their faster and smarter neighbors to ever face reality.

It doesn’t stop there, though, Sand City. What about animal abuse?

Do you think Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was really some sort of underdog who pulled it together in a crunch to save Christmas? Don’t be so naive, Sand City! That red nose of his wasn’t some miraculous intervention by some merciful higher power!

Hell, no! It was from all the Russian vodka Santa forces him to drink just because Santa doesn’t want to drink alone but doesn’t trust himself around his elves and so poor Rudolph gets the job whether he likes it or not.

And to tell you the truth, I’m not totally convinced that Rudolph and Santa even bother to stay sober on Christmas eve like everyone assumes. And why should they? I don’t remember ever seeing any sobriety checkpoints on any rooftops, do you?

So you see, there’s always another story behind things, Sand City. You just have to take off the blinders and look a little closer.
So don’t worry, you’re not alone with this one. I hate the holidays too.

Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo