A man walked into a bar one day and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.” He pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.

Well, the bartender couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” he couldn’t help but ask. “I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?” “Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy. “Like what?” asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender thought about it. “OK.” So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me!” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye,” said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, “I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again.” “That’s how I win so much money. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50,” said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, the gambler said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on.” The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, he said, “Okay, pal, you owe me $500!”

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the card room $1,000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and STILL make you laugh!”