jason offutt

Is Everyone a Geek, or Is It Just Me?

August 1, 2010

I’m a geek. I freely admit it, mainly because I can’t freely deny it. Everyone has an inner geek; the problem with me is it’s also my outer geek. And I’m not talking about the geeks no one makes fun of, like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein. They were total geeks. But these guys transcended [...]

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Jason the Fool: Foosball

April 1, 2010

“A faux sport is any sport-like activity played while drinking beer; guys like faux sports because they mix sports and beer in such a way that we still think we’re good at something.” My wife called me at work. That’s not unusual; she often calls, which usually leads me do things I normally would rather [...]

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Jason the Fool: Things That Kill You

March 1, 2010

“Singer Isaac Hayes died in 2008 while exercising on a treadmill. I heard the news of his death on CNN while I was at the gym exercising on a treadmill.” The universe is trying to kill us. Pollution, careless drivers, axe-wielding maniacs? Those are nothing compared to what’s in our gardens. Botanists recently discovered that [...]

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Jason the Fool – A Trip to Texas, Well I was asleep

January 1, 2010

Our minivan pulled out of the gravel driveway, headlights cutting through early-morning darkness. My wife and our two little people were going to the grandparents’ house in Texas for four days. The kids, strapped into car seats like fighter pilots, waved as the van cruised past the front of the house and out of sight. [...]

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Jason the Fool – Women Don’t Know Anything About Guys

November 8, 2009

Women Don’t Know Anything About Guys I knew something was wrong when I walked into the bedroom. Men don’t sense much, like emotions, subtlety, or the passage of time after high school, but we do realize when something un-guy has happened. And it happened to me. A free video rental card, a dollar I’d found [...]

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Jason the Fool – Haircuts: Don’t Try This At Home

October 25, 2009

There are people who treat budgeting like guys treat going to the doctor—it’s not serious until they slip in all the blood. My wife isn’t one of those people. She treats budgeting like she was the doctor, specifically, a proctologist. Therefore our household runs successfully and happily—I stress that, happily—on 42 cents a month. That’s [...]

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Jason The Fool – Exercise is Bad. Enough Said.

September 7, 2009

Exercise Is Bad. Enough Said. There’s a bike in my basement. A big, full-sized 10-speed bicycle with tires that still hold air and a clip that would hold a water bottle if I hadn’t lost it. There was a little dust on the bicycle, sure. But it wasn’t like it had a banana seat and [...]

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Videotapes From Hell – May 09

May 1, 2009

My daughter pulled a videotape from a box in the basement. “New Kids on the Block?” she asked, looking at a faded VHS tape cover featuring five kids who looked like they needed better parents. “It’s not mine,” I said, sounding strangely defensive. “I’d rather own ‘ABBA Sings the Blues.’” “Whatever,” she said in the [...]

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Jason the Fool – April 09

April 1, 2009

The Over-40 ABC Book The Toddler dropped a book in my lap. Although I realized a long time ago that the most important accessory to any father’s wardrobe is a cup, I was unprepared. I’m just glad I have good reflexes. “Read it, Daddy,” she said in her sweet, two-year-old voice, which, by the time [...]

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Jason the Fool – At the Store

July 4, 2008

I called my wife before I left work. I’m not sure why I did this. Maybe it was out of courtesy. Maybe it’s a habit my mom beat into my head when I was a kid. Or maybe I’m just not that bright.I think it’s the last one. “I’m going to the store on my [...]

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Jason the Fool – Pads

May 1, 2008

Everyone stared as I pushed my shopping cart through the store … ker-thump, ker-thump, ker-thump. You know, foreign automakers should start building shopping carts if only to force the American cart industry into upgrading that one bad wheel. But it wasn’t the thumpy wheel or that I was trying not to be seen that made [...]

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Jason the Fool – Women and Toilets

April 4, 2008

The smell was horrendous … and I grew up on a farm. My wife’s friend stuck her head through the crack she made peeling open our bathroom door and whispered, “Psst, psst, psst, psst,” like she had a secret. She didn’t. This wasn’t a secret to anyone in the house and maybe, just maybe, to [...]

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Jason the Fool

March 1, 2008

I brought home a half-gallon of ice cream from the grocery store. The list from my wife read, “four bananas.” Period. No milk, no eggs, no ice cream. Just bananas. Normally, to me four bananas means four bananas, but I didn’t write the note. My wife wrote it and I was sure ice cream was [...]

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