humor

Tony’s Ticklers

July 6, 2011

Tony’s Ticklers A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $100 [...]

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How to Trap a Homeless Cat (With a Little Help from the Irish…)

July 6, 2011

First Step: Take two swigs of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Oh, none for me, thanks, but you’re going to need it for your first go-round at trapping a homeless cat. Pick up the smooth dark bottle, cool to the touch; twist off the black plastic cap (snap!). Inhale the spirit of Ireland as you hoist the [...]

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I’m Mista’ Fyed

July 6, 2011

(A man comes into an office who has a New York accent, pronouncing “mister” like “mistah”). Okay, this should be easy. What’s your name? I’m Mista’ Fyed. You’re what? I’m Mista’ Fyed. You’re mystified? About what?

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Adventures with Rex – The Meaning of Life

July 6, 2011

  Rex and I were sitting on the back porch, and it was a beautiful spring day. I had been troubled by something for several days; something of a deep philosophical nature. What gnawed away at me was that I wanted to know the meaning of life. In other words, I wondered why I am [...]

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Ant Rants and Chants

July 6, 2011

I live alone in a peaceful, Buddha-statue-filled, sanctuary-like cottage. Or at least I thought I did, until I recently discovered a few uninvited house guests. This is how our conversation went. Me: “This is NOT your home.” Ant 1: “I know. Just checking things out.” Me: “Where in the hell are you coming from? I [...]

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Nursing Home Romp

July 6, 2011

Hang on, silvermuffins, as we zoom ahead 20 years! Imagine we’re settin’ there in the nursing home, reading the following in-house newsletter while cops break up a Bingo fight. THE BOOMER RUMOR RAG—May 2031 Edition: Our recent uprising here at Shady Aches Manor means that change is in the air! From the four choices listed [...]

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Lost Journal

July 6, 2011

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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The Accidental Psychic

July 6, 2011

Just because I sat too long lingering over a cafe au lait, my body betrayed me. Apparently cutting off my circulation for an hour and a half on the rim of a bentwood chair was a bad thing. Now I had to have a needle inserted in my arm once a month to make sure [...]

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Inboxes

July 6, 2011

They Walk Among Us! Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even one person [...]

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Foolish Thoughts

July 6, 2011

FOOLISH THOUGHT Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.   FOOLISH THOUGHT Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

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Foolish Shorts

July 6, 2011

Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!

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Fool Laughs

July 6, 2011

A Cat in Heaven A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers

July 6, 2011

Achieve Inner Peace I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on television this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house [...]

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Kids Jokes

July 6, 2011

Q: What game do cows play at parties? A: Mooosical Chairs.

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My Lucky Day

July 6, 2011

I’m a gambler. High stakes, slots, Texas Hold ‘Em, bet-on-anything kind of guy. Card games are a great way to make spare change. Although my concentration and professional skill is in Lotto jackpot winnings and scratch-and-win games. I’ve scratched more at the 7-11 than a camper sleeping on a bed of poison ivy. Ever seen [...]

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Heart of Home Depot

July 6, 2011

Marla stood leaning against the grill of her boat-like SUV. She had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, a dazed expression in her eyes, and, with her arms dropped, palms outwards, resembled a martyr exhibiting her stigmata. The other women and I were exchanging words lazily as we prepared to enter the monolithic [...]

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The Way It Used to Be (Around Here)

July 6, 2011

As a youthful visitor from San Francisco to Pacific Grove during the summer months of the 1970s, I covered much of the Peninsula on my bicycle pulled by my dog, a rat-terrier pointer mix named Bosco. As an example of wilderness, I found many sights ready to explore for such an adventurous youth in his [...]

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