March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that most of them are prison pen-pals. Worry instead about when they get out.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. With the state of health care, they are the only three physicians you can afford.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Happy news is on its way to you. It has been on its way to you for years. It has not reached you because it is using MapQuest. It may be at the bottom of a lake or the base of a cliff.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you. Consider relegating your thieving to night, rather than day, and to strangers, rather than friends and family, and to neighboring towns, rather than your own.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Life will throw you a pleasant curve. Which is much better than a nasty slider or a devastating change-up. You couldn’t hit one of those to save your life.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go. They will never quite catch you, but isn’t it pleasant to think about how close (yet out of reach) they are?

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all! Luckily you have numerous chins and can manage all three at once!

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A pleasant surprise is in store for you. But it will be extremely unpleasant if you have a history of heart trouble.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): It takes more than a good memory to have good memories. It takes an exotic lifestyle, fame, fortune, and numerous lovers. So to improve your memory, forget the fish oil and start playing the lottery.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Of course, these words were written a month ago to hit deadline. That thrilling time is gone forever.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own. Bear this idea in mind when making your child-support payments.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Many people find beauty in the ordinary. You find beauty not in the ordinary, but in the beautiful. Take time to cultivate this ability. Frankly, it is the only one you have.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Something you lost will soon turn up. Namely, the cops.

February birthdays: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want!
ARIES (3/21-4/19): Ever see the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over? Well, you may as well re-read your Fool-o-Scope from the January issue until we come up with something better next time.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Guard against your jealous tendencies this month, especially on Valentine’s Day, when your loved one may have other plans. If your partner claims to have to pull an all-nighter writing Valentine’s Day cards for Hallmark, it must be true.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): In matters of love, you can be fickle. Although the Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines will be sent this year worldwide, they didn’t count on them all being sent by you.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): Imaginative and prone to fantasy, you sometimes try to make your life fit a romantic ideal. But no matter how much you love them, you cannot send a Valentine’s Day card to “The Meaty Breakfast Burrito c/o Jack in the Box.”
LEO (7/23-8/22): The first association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love was documented by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1382, which is about the last time you remember having a romantic evening.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Your sign is the virgin, and it’s Valentine’s Day. Boy, it sucks to be you this month.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): If Presidents’ Day celebrates the birthdays of Washington and Lincoln, does that mean that all of the other presidents were never really born? Honestly, Libra, you must cease this ridiculous crusade to create a “Presidents’ Day Plus” national holiday just because you want to be “fair” to all of our nation’s leaders.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): According to the official website, Punxsutawney Phil maintains longevity by drinking a secret “elixir of life.” I don’t care what Punxsutawney Phil told you in Groundhogese: Sierra Nevada is NOT the elixir of life.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): While it’s usually good to remain optimistic in the face of disappointment, you might not want to be so obviously joyful by mimicking a touchdown dance in front of your distraught partner when the power fails during the Stupid Bowl.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): If the groundhog comes out and sees his shadow, he goes back into his burrow and takes a six-week-long nap. If he doesn’t see a shadow, he dances to the “Caddyshack” theme song. So BE the groundhog, Pisces, and relish long naps and solitude—if, that is, you can get the “Caddyshack” theme song out of your head.

January birthdays: Wow, it must be heavy to have a birthday during the bringing in of a new year full of rebirth, resolutions for self-improvement, and new goals, hopes, and dreams. Of course, if your birthday is at the end of the month, forget what I just said.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): An old Scotch tune, “Auld Lang Syne,” literally means Old Long Song. What this means for you is it’s time to stop singing the same old tune, and change your competitive ways this new year. Once in a while, it’s okay if your grandmother wins a hand of Uno.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Being of the sign of possessions, don’t resolve to quit smoking or lose weight this new year. Instead, resolve to return all borrowed farm equipment, especially since you don’t own a farm.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You hate listening to people complain. So you better invest in some Bose noise reduction headphones and resolve to keep them on for the better part of 2007. Just don’t expect to win Employee of the Year since you do work in the Customer Service department.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Since you relish tradition, celebrate the new year by eating black-eyed peas and hog jowls with a tall dark-haired man for luck and prosperity. If you’re a vegetarian, kiss your hog-jowl prosperity good-bye.

LEO (7/23-8/22): This year, resolve to let your wacky sense of humor shine more often. If people give you strange looks, just tell them you read Foolish Times. That should explain EVERYTHING.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): You’ve been too hard on yourself this past year. So, this year, make an easy resolution: vow to put the cap back on the toothpaste. Also vow to take it off to brush your teeth.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Early Roman emperors constantly tinkered with the official start date of the new year. To correct the problem, the Julian Calendar was established, but not before the previous year dragged on for 445 days to synchronize the calendar with the sun. The lesson? Be decisive this year, and take those synchronized swimming classes you’ve been talking about for 445 days!

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): You love magic and mystery, and the new year is full of both. Resolve to visit The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, where an Elvis impersonator will give you the winning lottery numbers. But avoid the circus or you will be stalked by a sinister clown.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): January 1 has been celebrated as a holiday by Western nations for about the past 400 years, which coincidentally is about how long it’s been since you’ve had a decent vacation. 2010 is your year to travel overseas. Just be sure to watch “National Lampoon’s European Vacation” before you go.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): A new year has begun. That’s only 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds to work until your next day off.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): You know that song about you, “The Dawning of the Age of Asparagus”? Well, this new year is time to resolve to take better care of your health and to eat your veggies, especially asparagus.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Use the new year as an opportunity to get rid of things that make you unhappy, like commercials, the airline industry, and Fox News.

March Birthdays
Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail ends in a hairy tuft, and you have inexplicable midnight cravings for large mammals like buffalo wings, followed by licking, purring, and resting for twenty hours a day in early March, whereas late March finds you in need of a good shearing. Read the rest of this article »

December birthdays:
You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish. Read the rest of this article »