FOOL-O-SCOPE
by Kiri Kinsey DeSchtarz
ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr.19): Spring training starts now. This is your time to step up to the plate. Try not to strike out on your birthday.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Years of indulging in that organic yogurt and milk concoction have left your mind a bit rigid. Consider taking the plunge and imbibing a few shots of good tequila. Continue reading
Back in 1975 when I was a much younger spring chicken, I decided it was high time I bought my very own toaster. Especially as I’d already been living on my own away from my mother for quite a few years. I wanted to feel like an actual adult, and somehow owning a toaster symbolized a rite of passage of my growing maturity into full womanhood. After all… who but a grown woman can make an excellent piece of toast?
Ye Olde Limerick Corner
Spring training is finally here
and the Giants at last will appear
a victorious club
no longer to snub
Let’s hope for another great year!
—Kiri Kinsey DeSchtarz Continue reading
I was going to write something funny today about the meaning of life, or about the Middle Eastern Meltdown, or about my lack of a cosmetic surgery fund, but then I accidentally tuned into “Philosophy Talk.”
Philosophy Talk is an entertaining public radio show featuring John Perry and Ken Taylor, both Stanford University philosophy professors. The topic for today was “Procrastination,” with guest expert Dr. Timothy Pychyl of Carleton University.
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The rampant growth of slobism worldwide is as distressing as it is disappointing, and disproves Darwin’s Theory of Evolution that things evolve for the better and more sophisticated.
In short: Slobs are taking over.
Think I’m wrong? Book an airline flight. Go ahead. I dare ya. Not only is the plane smaller to stretch fuel (and no, I haven’t grown that much fatter); there’s no room for my legs. This plane is smaller.
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Fool’s April
The roar of Rex’s truck up the driveway and into the garage signaled that soon my food bowl would be filled. Yippee! Dry dog food! Oh how I love, love, love dry dog food! Yikes! I can’t wait.
Indeed, in walks Rexie and rubs my head and asks what kind of day I had. Continue reading
So I’m minding my own business at CVS, waiting in the pharmacy line for my prescription, when all of a sudden I see a blinding light. No, wait. It’s a man in a bright yellow ski jacket. When my eyes adjust, I notice a really good- (and normal-) looking, clean-cut man inside of it. He smiles and gets behind the elderly lady who is right behind me. She reminds me of my Mom and he reminds me of…well, I digress.
The lady is feisty, just like my mom. She is trying to stay occupied, but she is getting agitated that there is only one person behind the pharmacy desk. She begins to pace.
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Exciting news! Every adult sloughs off about 40,000 skin cells per minute! That’s right, amigos, even comatose couch veggies are multi-tasking.
And with all those cells landing on the nachos and the TV Guide…OMG, we look thinner! So, regardless of our sloth level on any given day, we can bask in the glory of this accomplishment. What a golden nugget for the ol’ resumé! Insert it in the Personal Achievements section. Continue reading
Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you, Mollen says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.”
Frilly Bedroom Proves You Can Never Really Go Home Again
Journal entry: October 2, 1987 (age 18)
The transition to college life has been exciting, but tough. I headed to SUNY Oswego in August, leaving behind the daily example, advice, and help of my parents. We butted heads during my senior year of high school, but I’m already starting to see that I was taking them for granted—especially on laundry day.
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My Mom was the thirteenth child of thirteen children, born on Friday the thirteenth. I kid you not. She has super powers because of this and not just the typical mom kind. She could always tell when my Dad was lying, she could predict things for me, and I am convinced that she has a direct dial-a-prayer line to God.
She can also make Kleenex balls. I find them when I visit her and I find them after she visits me. The good news is that she still always has extra clean Kleenex in her purse in case I might need one or she has to make more balls, but I am now finding them at my house when she isn’t there, so the talent is obviously embedded deep in my DNA. Continue reading
Coffee
Late one night a man stopped at a 24-hour gas station mini-mart to get a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When he picked up the pot, he could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
“How old is this coffee?” he asked the woman behind the counter.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.” Continue reading
FOOLISH THOUGHT
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
FOOLISH THOUGHT
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
FOOLISH THOUGHT
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
FOOLISH THOUGHT
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Q & A
Q: You’re in a mansion and the power’s out. You see a green door and a red door. Pick one (it doesn’t matter which). Now you see a purple door and an orange door. Pick one (again, it doesn’t matter which you pick). Now you see a door with a golden handle and a door with a silver handle. Pick one. You finally come to some signs on three doors. One says “Death from drowning,” another says “Death from machine guns,” and the last one says “Death from electric chair.” Then you see a big sign off to the side that says “Or stay in the mansion and starve to death.” What do you choose?
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Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Count Spatula!
Q: Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with!
Q: Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pit stops during the race?
A: He was asking for directions!
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An Irishman walks into a bar, and tells the bartender, “I’ll have three rounds, all at once.” So the bartender gets his order but says to the man, “Sir, you’d enjoy them better if I served them to you one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “No, it’s a tradition. Back in Dublin, my brothers and I would all go to the pub and have a round together. I moved over here a few years ago, but I still keep the tradition.” Touched by the story, the bartender served the rounds, and went about his business.
The Irishman returned for several weeks. One night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two rounds. The bartender, shaken, asks, “What happened? Did one of your brothers die?”
The Irishman replied, “No. I quit drinking.”
Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you, Mollen says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.”
Valentine Greetings Worth Repeating
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Guess it’s time for new glasses. I walked up to a sidewalk concession stand and told the vendor I had impure thoughts while watching Toy Story 3. He scooped up the hot dogs and slammed his window. Oops! I coulda sworn it said “Confessions.”
In other news, my bagless vacuum broke. Actually, I discovered the receptacle’s hinged bottom was gone. What the . . . ? I must’ve thrown that piece out with the dirt the last time I vacuumed—roughly six weeks ago. Thank God compulsive disorders are, like, SO treatable! I’m now on medication and don’t clean nearly as often.
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