humor columnist

I’m Mista’ Fyed

July 6, 2011

(A man comes into an office who has a New York accent, pronouncing “mister” like “mistah”). Okay, this should be easy. What’s your name? I’m Mista’ Fyed. You’re what? I’m Mista’ Fyed. You’re mystified? About what?

Read the full article →

Adventures with Rex – The Meaning of Life

July 6, 2011

  Rex and I were sitting on the back porch, and it was a beautiful spring day. I had been troubled by something for several days; something of a deep philosophical nature. What gnawed away at me was that I wanted to know the meaning of life. In other words, I wondered why I am [...]

Read the full article →

Ant Rants and Chants

July 6, 2011

I live alone in a peaceful, Buddha-statue-filled, sanctuary-like cottage. Or at least I thought I did, until I recently discovered a few uninvited house guests. This is how our conversation went. Me: “This is NOT your home.” Ant 1: “I know. Just checking things out.” Me: “Where in the hell are you coming from? I [...]

Read the full article →

Nursing Home Romp

July 6, 2011

Hang on, silvermuffins, as we zoom ahead 20 years! Imagine we’re settin’ there in the nursing home, reading the following in-house newsletter while cops break up a Bingo fight. THE BOOMER RUMOR RAG—May 2031 Edition: Our recent uprising here at Shady Aches Manor means that change is in the air! From the four choices listed [...]

Read the full article →

Lost Journal

July 6, 2011

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

Read the full article →

The Accidental Psychic

July 6, 2011

Just because I sat too long lingering over a cafe au lait, my body betrayed me. Apparently cutting off my circulation for an hour and a half on the rim of a bentwood chair was a bad thing. Now I had to have a needle inserted in my arm once a month to make sure [...]

Read the full article →

My Lucky Day

July 6, 2011

I’m a gambler. High stakes, slots, Texas Hold ‘Em, bet-on-anything kind of guy. Card games are a great way to make spare change. Although my concentration and professional skill is in Lotto jackpot winnings and scratch-and-win games. I’ve scratched more at the 7-11 than a camper sleeping on a bed of poison ivy. Ever seen [...]

Read the full article →

Heart of Home Depot

July 6, 2011

Marla stood leaning against the grill of her boat-like SUV. She had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, a dazed expression in her eyes, and, with her arms dropped, palms outwards, resembled a martyr exhibiting her stigmata. The other women and I were exchanging words lazily as we prepared to enter the monolithic [...]

Read the full article →

The Way It Used to Be (Around Here)

July 6, 2011

As a youthful visitor from San Francisco to Pacific Grove during the summer months of the 1970s, I covered much of the Peninsula on my bicycle pulled by my dog, a rat-terrier pointer mix named Bosco. As an example of wilderness, I found many sights ready to explore for such an adventurous youth in his [...]

Read the full article →

Sweatin’ Out Satan

July 6, 2011

Actual story from The Washington Post: WARSAW, Poland, Feb. 11 (UPI)—Roman Catholic regions of Europe are seeing a resurgence of exorcism, the rite of expelling evil spirits from tortured souls. Informal efforts to train more exorcists began under Pope John Paul II when the Vatican formally revised and upheld the rite for the first time [...]

Read the full article →

Dear Clint Eastwood

July 6, 2011

Dear Clint Eastwood, May I call you “Clint”? Or do you prefer “Mr. Eastwood”? You make the call, Clint! (Mr. Eastwood.) Let’s go with “Clint” for now. Clint, if you’re reading this, it means a couple of things. First, that we’re both readers! Boy, I sure remember learning how to read. Don’t you? Gripping that [...]

Read the full article →

Golfers Go for the Gusto at the 19th Hole

July 6, 2011

It’s a commonly known fact that golfers like to spin tales while relaxing after a strenuous day of chasing a little round ball with a bag full of sticks around thousands of yards of manicured lawn.   The best story, of course, is “The Day I Played Pebble.” I’m not sure if the listeners are [...]

Read the full article →

Bubba’s Big Adventure

July 6, 2011

Except for one other couple, Bubba and Birdie were the only customers in Hungry Harv’s Hash House. Bubba thought Birdie was cute enough; the nose ring made her sort of exotic, and she’d been around: Georgian by birth, Floridian by choice. But Bubba Turnipseed was bored. Three weeks with Birdie had set a record. Once [...]

Read the full article →

Your Girlfriend’s Cat

July 6, 2011

Let’s call her Muffy. The cat, not your girlfriend. Why Muffy? It just seems like a good name for an utterly repugnant creature. The cat, not your girlfriend. She hisses at you. She swipes at you if you try to pet her. She hops up on the coffee table to block your view of that [...]

Read the full article →

The Head Fool Speaks

April 5, 2011

I first of all want to thank my mother. Without her constant nagging, screaming, and you-could-do-better perfectionist philosophy I wouldn’t have developed this wacked-out reality that makes people laugh. Thanks, Ma! Next comes the kindergarten teacher who kept me after school the very first day. Way to go, Mrs. L! There are too many to [...]

Read the full article →

Foolish Shorts

April 5, 2011

The very latest, whipped up by our Doctors of Jokology. The Fan A woman had 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. “No,” she said, “the seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. [...]

Read the full article →

Tony’s Ticklers

April 5, 2011

Desert Island Rescue A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →