humor columnist

The Head Fool Speaks

July 7, 2011

To the person that just subscribed to FT sorry I misplaced your contact info(remembered to cash the check though ). Send me an email with your info. You’re still going to wait till I find the original, just checking the honesty level of our readers. I’d like to welcome Susan what’s her name as our [...]

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Adventures With Rex – The Pet Psychic

July 6, 2011

Rex and I happened to be driving down the street and I noticed the storefront of a pet psychic. I just had to stop. I pulled over, parked, and took my faithful companion in, tucked under my arm. Frugal by nature, I wanted to know just how much this would cost. As I opened the [...]

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Sugar Mama Got No Feelin’

July 6, 2011

My hip replacement went well, with no complications, although for some reason I thought liposuction would be included. I mean, the doc is already in there sawing and what-not, so why can’t he grab a surgical ice cream scoop and have at it? See, this is why our healthcare system is broken—it’s run by paunchy, [...]

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WHITE NOISE AND LOVING KINDNESS

July 6, 2011

I am trying to practice the Buddhist ideal of loving kindness. I try to catch bugs instead of kill them, talk to the ants who have made their way into my place, and generally be nice to other humans. I now have a cottage apartment in a late 1890s mansion. The walls and the floors [...]

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Your Smart Phone Calling…

July 6, 2011

Ring, Ring. San Francisco apartment. 7:00 a.m. Dave, an unemployed accountant, yawns and picks up his cell phone from the nightstand. “Hello, Dave, this is your Smart Phone calling.” “What?” says Dave. “Who is this?”   “No, really, this is your Smart Phone.”

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I’m The World’s Largest Albino Pigmy

July 6, 2011

I am the world’s biggest … albino Pigmy. You didn’t know did you? The Pigmies don’t either. They don’t like the word Pigmy. Today, they go by the name “Baka.” Three times I have applied for membership to the tribe, and three times I have been ignored, after completing the entrance test. I know I [...]

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THE SUMMIT DUSTER

July 6, 2011

When I was 19 years old, my hair started to recede. I was very self-conscious about it. Most of the hair on top of my head was gone by my fortieth year. By that time I had a comb-over to the right side. Of course, I wasn’t fooling anyone with this feeble attempt at thread [...]

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Enlightenment and My Laptop Power Cord

July 6, 2011

So, like me, you’ve probably read that the Chinese government wants to take over the job of picking the next Dalai Lama from the Tibetan Buddhists. While I have my suspicions about their motives, I’d like to offer a shortlist of three candidates employed in Apple stores in the SF Bay area who show nascent [...]

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KLEMENTEIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

July 6, 2011

Just when it seems as though nothing new or exciting will happen in 2011 that hasn’t already not happened by now, your network news breaks into Monday Night Football, smack dab in the middle of the fourth quarter, to drop the following bombshell, guaranteed to put some bingo in your blahs:“The CIA has received word [...]

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Lost Journal: Babysitter Could Child-care Less

July 6, 2011

Journal entry: July 9, 1980 (age 11)   Up until this summer, my 12-year-old brother Dan and I have had pretty good luck with our parents’ choice of babysitters. When we were very young, a grandmotherly woman named Daisy Cochrane watched over several of my older brothers and me. She was the sweetest little old [...]

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The Best of the Inbox

July 6, 2011

Fall Classes for Women at the Adult Learning Center   CLASS 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer—How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday, for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

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Foolish Shorts

July 6, 2011

Q&A Two Minnesotans are sitting in a boat. Ole asks Sven, “Why do scuba divers always fall off ‘der boats backwards?” To which Sven replies, “Well, you know, if they fell forwards they’d still be in de boat.” So der you have it.

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Foolish Laughs

July 6, 2011

Bottle of Wine A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about [...]

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Foolish Thoughts

July 6, 2011

FOOLISH THOUGHT Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?   FOOLISH THOUGHT You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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The Head Fool Speaks

July 6, 2011

In anticipation of the end of the world, I allowed myself to procrastinate more than usual. After all, no world, no issue. In light of our shortened deadline, we threw together what I believe to be the best issue ever. On a sadder note (wink), our editor, Mike T., is stepping down from the ivory [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers

July 6, 2011

Tony’s Ticklers A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $100 [...]

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How to Trap a Homeless Cat (With a Little Help from the Irish…)

July 6, 2011

First Step: Take two swigs of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Oh, none for me, thanks, but you’re going to need it for your first go-round at trapping a homeless cat. Pick up the smooth dark bottle, cool to the touch; twist off the black plastic cap (snap!). Inhale the spirit of Ireland as you hoist the [...]

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