APRIL BIRTHDAYS:
February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s historic ride early one April. Start your own revolution this month. Drive down Alvarado Street screaming something out your car window. Doesn’t matter what, just as long as it’s historic.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
For you, the path to the spiritual lies through the physical, and you certainly do enjoy the physical pleasures of life. Indulge yourself this month until you get really, really, like, spiritual, dude.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
For you, the path to the spiritual lies through the physical, and you certainly do enjoy the physical pleasures of life. Indulge yourself this month until you get really, really, like, spiritual, dude.

CANCER (6/22-7/22):
If having a sense of belonging is that important to you, then go ahead and join the 76 percent of people who eat the ears on the chocolate bunnies first. But if you’d rather celebrate your individuality, bite off the whole head, Ozzy style.

LEO (7/23-8/22):
Rabbits, the favorite animal of the spring goddess Eastre, symbolize spring and new life. Chocolate rabbits, the favorite animal of the Leo, symbolize expandable pants.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
You have a talent for discriminating between what is useful and what is not. Is this observation of any use to you? You make the call.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
Although it is admirable that you yearn to live harmoniously each and every day, loving everyone you meet and walking a mile in others’ shoes, this month you should take a lesson from the Bulgarians: they don’t hide their Easter eggs; they throw them at each other. While wearing others’ shoes.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
You have a built-in lie detector. You can spot a liar a mile away. Man, you are the greatest. And I mean the greatest.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
Eighty-eight percent of adults carry on the tradition of creating Easter baskets for their kids. For the other 12 percent, the chocolate rabbits, jelly beans, and Peeps never make it to the basket. Which one are you? Recall that Sagittarius is said to rule the hips and thighs.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
Since you value social order and boundaries, use this month to consider whether you really should be reading the Foolish Times in the workplace, and recommending it to all your friends, and slapping strangers over the head with it when they threaten to call the cops.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18):
This month, your creativity might be suppressed as some of the ideas you present at work are dismissed as impractical. But persist, no matter how many people disagree with you. Wear earplugs and put blinders on. Talk over people. Do whatever it takes to get that elevated interoffice moving sidewalk built.

PISCES (2/19-3/20):
In France, the recipient of an April Fool’s joke is called a “poisson d’avril” (fish of April), supposedly because an April fish is a young fish that can easily be caught. Oh, my cod! Can you believe we worked that crazy fact in just for the halibut?

July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Pleasure week, the first week of July, was made just for you because you love the finer things: delicious food, expensive wine, a nice ride, and a gorgeous house. Unfortunately, Pebble Beach real-estate prices were not made just for you, or anyone else in the real world. Read the rest of this article »

May Birthdays
On your birthday, savor your cake slowly. But lest you forget this foolish advice, swallowing several small semi-melted candles will turn your birthDAY into a week-long celebration also known as Emergency Medical Services Week.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Don’t waste time this month reading Covey’s “Seven Habits.” Instead, examine the origins of Space Day. Space Day was not created, as some might foolishly believe, by NASA or an astronaut. It was created by the Lockheed Martin Corporation to train kids in math and science SO they could one day become loyal Lockheed Martin corporate citizens. After all, if children are our future, don’t you too deserve to profit? Read the rest of this article »

April birthdays
What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early one April. Like Paul Revere, your leadership will be celebrated for years to come by your Solitaire-playing coworkers as they retell how you rolled down the hallway in your office chair yelling, “The boss is coming, the boss is coming!” Read the rest of this article »