July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Pleasure week, the first week of July, was made just for you because you love the finer things: delicious food, expensive wine, a nice ride, and a gorgeous house. Unfortunately, Pebble Beach real-estate prices were not made just for you, or anyone else in the real world. Read the rest of this article »

May Birthdays
On your birthday, savor your cake slowly. But lest you forget this foolish advice, swallowing several small semi-melted candles will turn your birthDAY into a week-long celebration also known as Emergency Medical Services Week.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Don’t waste time this month reading Covey’s “Seven Habits.” Instead, examine the origins of Space Day. Space Day was not created, as some might foolishly believe, by NASA or an astronaut. It was created by the Lockheed Martin Corporation to train kids in math and science SO they could one day become loyal Lockheed Martin corporate citizens. After all, if children are our future, don’t you too deserve to profit? Read the rest of this article »

April birthdays
What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early one April. Like Paul Revere, your leadership will be celebrated for years to come by your Solitaire-playing coworkers as they retell how you rolled down the hallway in your office chair yelling, “The boss is coming, the boss is coming!” Read the rest of this article »

March Birthdays
Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail ends in a hairy tuft, and you have inexplicable midnight cravings for large mammals like buffalo wings, followed by licking, purring, and resting for twenty hours a day in early March, whereas late March finds you in need of a good shearing. Read the rest of this article »

February Birthdays
The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died.

ARIES (3/21-4/19)
This February falls on a leap year, which proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. In a leap year, which only happens every four years, a comet breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, temporarily opening a portal to another world where reality TV shows do not exist. Read the rest of this article »

December birthdays:
You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish. Read the rest of this article »