funny horoscope

FOOL-O-SCOPE

July 6, 2011

By Claire Voyant   ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr. 19): The rain in Spain (or so they say…) stays mainly on the plain. Since your birthday is just at the end of the rainy season, it would behoove you to stay mainly on the plain. (Or plane, if you’re going to travel soon. You definitely should not [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

April 5, 2011

FOOL-O-SCOPE by Kiri Kinsey DeSchtarz ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr.19): Spring training starts now. This is your time to step up to the plate. Try not to strike out on your birthday. TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Years of indulging in that organic yogurt and milk concoction have left your mind a bit rigid. Consider taking the plunge [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE

February 2, 2011

by Kiri Kinsey DeSchtarz ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr. 19): Love is in the airies. TAURES (Apr. 20-May 20): Your Tauro card says you are pawing the ground to find a new love. But your Fool-o-Scope is snorting, “Yeah, good luck with that.” GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You will meet a fellow Gemini with the exact same [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE

January 3, 2011

by Kiri Kinsey DeSchtarz ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr. 19): Be very good this year. TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Be very, very good this year. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Be very, very, VERY good this year. CANCER (June 21-Jul. 22): Try not to be malignant this year, and for godsake, don’t metastasize!

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FOOL-O-SCOPE

September 5, 2010

Aries: Try not to ram into anything or anybody—especially not a Dodgers fan. (However, if you cause her to spill her beer, it could be good karma for the Giants.) Taurus: Good job maintaining control of your temper last month, foolish Taurus. This month, step it up a notch: Do something not unkind for someone [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

April 1, 2010

APRIL BIRTHDAYS: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want! ARIES (3/21-4/19): The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s historic ride early one April. Start your own revolution this month. [...]

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Fool-O-Scope March

March 1, 2010

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that most of them are prison pen-pals. Worry instead about when they get out. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE February

February 1, 2010

February birthdays: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want! ARIES (3/21-4/19): Ever see the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over? Well, [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – by Clair Voyant

January 1, 2010

January birthdays: Wow, it must be heavy to have a birthday during the bringing in of a new year full of rebirth, resolutions for self-improvement, and new goals, hopes, and dreams. Of course, if your birthday is at the end of the month, forget what I just said. ARIES (3/21-4/19): An old Scotch tune, “Auld [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – July 08

July 2, 2008

July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies. ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – May 08

May 1, 2008

May Birthdays On your birthday, savor your cake slowly. But lest you forget this foolish advice, swallowing several small semi-melted candles will turn your birthDAY into a week-long celebration also known as Emergency Medical Services Week. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Don’t waste time this month reading Covey’s “Seven Habits.” Instead, examine the origins of Space Day. Space [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – April 08

April 4, 2008

April birthdays What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude! ARIES (3/21-4/19): The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – March 08

March 1, 2008

March Birthdays Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April. ARIES (3/21-4/19): For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – February 08

February 2, 2008

February Birthdays The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died. ARIES (3/21-4/19) This February falls on a leap year, which proves to be the perfect [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – December 07

December 1, 2007

December birthdays: You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish.

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