July birthdays: Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Better yet to light a candle and curse the candle because you forgot to pay the electric bill.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A donkey’s lips do not fit onto a horse’s mouth. I have tried it, and it just does not work. A donkey’s lips fit best on a donkey’s mouth. They sometimes will fit on a cow’s mouth, but only if the cow’s mouth is donkeylike in the first place.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Men trip not on mountains; they trip on molehills. Especially in your front yard. Take care of your moles, Moleman.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere. Yes, it’s true. Knowledge will haunt you and darken every pleasant moment with the realities of existential loneliness and impending oblivion. You were right to drop out of school, but wrong to read this horoscope.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): A needle is not sharp at both ends. Only the end you prick your finger with, which inevitably is going to be the end that’s sharp.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days. So stop inviting so many fish to stay with you. And if you’re the one who’s doing the staying, don’t blame that smell on the fish.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth. Especially after a day at the Monterey Beer Festival.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): The participant’s perspectives are clouded while the bystander’s views are clear. Especially after a day at the Monterey Beer Festival.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. But make sure those coming back aren’t winking at each other and giggling when they’re giving you directions.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): I was angered, for I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then I got really angered, because no matter how many times I explained my shoe problem, the guy just didn’t get it.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): If you don’t go into the cave of the tiger, how are you going to get its cub? Answer: Pay someone else to go into the cave of the tiger, Capitalist.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Once bitten by a snake, you are even frightened by a rope that resembles a snake. Hell, you’re even frightened by the guy who made the rope. Even the ponytail of a five-year-old girl will cause you to run screaming. Stay away from snakes this month, is what I’m basically saying.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you have money, you can make even the ghosts and devils turn your grindstone. But in the current economy, it’s much easier to hire humans. Plus, they will work just as hard as ghosts and devils, once you’ve explained what a grindstone is.

June birthdays:

A fierce dog ruins a liquor store business. Do you know how many liquor stores have gone out of business because of fierce dogs? Exactly. Do not include the fierce dog in your business plan. Your investors will have every reason to be wary.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless. Try adding a bunch of MSG.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): An ant may well destroy a whole dam. Especially a big dam ant.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Behind an able man there are always other able men. But ask yourself: Exactly why are all of these able men standing behind me?

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one. In this economy, however, even the pebble may be worth bartering with.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Steer one’s boat where the winds lead. But do not let One know that you have stolen his boat.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): You have no idea how much rice and fuel cost without being the head of a household. And if you are the head of a household, ask yourself: Why am I so fixated on rice and fuel?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same. So, no use climbing the mountain. Just rent a DVD or look at some pictures on the Internet.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come. Thus it has always been with the party crashers.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A fire set to a city gate kills the fish in the moat down below. Keep that in mind before you set fire to your next city. Think of the poor fish down in the moat. Maybe you could try getting them out of the moat, before you set fire to the city gate.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. Much harder to download to your Kindle, but much easier to burn in your fireplace.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good. Be sure to keep a mirror handy.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare. Now you know why you so seldom have anything wise to say. You are young, beautiful, and an idiot.

April birthdays: You will witness a special ceremony. Sorry I can’t be more specific about the details. All I know is that it involves you, a judge, a couple of lawyers, some plaintiffs, a jury, and a swearing-in of some sort that ends with the words “So help me God”-nope, sorry, just can’t make any more of it out.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A quiet evening with friends is the best tonic for a long day. Sharing your special “tonic” with a group of friends is even better.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Anger begins with folly, and ends with regret. But it feels very, very satisfying during the middle portion, let me tell you.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): A member of your family will soon do something that will make you proud. I know, I can’t believe it either, but it’s true. Of course, I can’t prophesy how distant the relative will be. Most likely, very.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): The time is right to make new friends. This column was written over a month ago to hit a deadline, however, so that time has already passed and is gone forever, Friendless.

LEO (7/23-8/22): You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. I’m betting on a small piece of land. Since this is California, it will be worth millions, but because of the economy, you will never be able to get rid of it. Congratulations, and enjoy the albatross around your neck.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Good luck is the result of good planning. Bad luck is the result of bad planning. Mediocre luck is the result of mediocre planning. Spotting a pattern here, Genius?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Your great attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because it enables you to draw a vast income in that most prestigious of positions, Editor. But it is also a curse, because publishing is going the way of the dodo, dodo.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Look for new outlets for your creative abilities. Can you paint? Consider taking up house painting. Can you write? Consider writing your mother-she’s been waiting for about a year now. Can you belch the “Star-Spangled Banner”? There’s a talent show on the Fox network you should look into.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days. Just look how it prolongedeth the word “prolong.”

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. So naturally your wallet is empty. This is America, after all. Devout doesn’t pay. Start exploiting the weaknesses of others, look for legal loopholes, and seek nothing but material gain. You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams! Before you die like everyone else.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Good things are being said about you. I really can’t say any more than that. A vague fortune, in the passive voice, and mildly optimistic. What do you expect for free? Cross my palm with silver, man!

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain. If you want the rain, you must get the hell out of California.

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that they are all feline friends. Don’t worry that others call you “strange,” “creepy,” or “that weird cat lady who lives on the corner.” Worry instead about the amount of cat hair in your cake batter.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. With the state of health care the way it is, they are the only three physicians you can afford.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Happy news is on its way to you. It has been on its way to you for years. It has not reached you because it fell behind a desk at the post office. I’m not sure which one. You might try one of the post offices in eastern Europe.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you. Consider relegating your thieving to night, rather than day, and to strangers, rather than friends and family, and to neighboring towns, rather than your own.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Life will throw you a pleasant curve. Not a Barry Zito type of curve, but a typical sandlot curve you can punch into right field because the right fielder usually has the weakest arm. Hit life’s pleasant curves toward the right fielder. The unpleasant ones you don’t have a chance at anyway.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go. They never quite catch you, but you can be sure they are following at a safe distance so as not to destroy the ennui and boredom you so carefully cultivate.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all! Luckily you have numerous chins and can manage all three at once!

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A pleasant surprise is in store for you. But it will be extremely unpleasant if you have a pacemaker or a history of heart trouble.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): It takes more than a good memory to have good memories. It takes an exotic lifestyle, fame, fortune, and numerous lovers. So to improve your memory, forget the fish oil and start playing the lottery.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Of course, these words were written a month ago to hit deadline. That thrilling time is gone forever.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own. Of course, your own ideas usually come from someone else. So when studying that family portrait, you might ask yourself why your wife has always insisted on taking her yoga classes so late at night.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Many people find beauty in the ordinary. You find beauty not in the ordinary, but only in the beautiful. Do not lose this ability. It is the only one you have.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Something you lost will soon turn up. Namely, your heartburn.