Happy March, faithful ones. We’re gearing up for our April Fools’ Day reading at Café 316, so check out the ad in this issue for details. Speaking of this issue, we’re proud to present local writer Ted Gargiulo’s “Bedlam in Carmel,” the true story of an author’s first book signing/reading, which took place at the legendary Thunderbird Bookstore. (The Thunderbird closed down after Ted’s reading, although he claims not to have been the reason.) We also feature newcomer Lum Franco’s “Future Episode,” which is sure to strike a chord with many a writer; a Mary Tompsett double feature; and an A-to-Z list of all the things that could possibly kill you, courtesy of Jason Offutt (thanks a lot). You’ll also find an ad by the makers of Stuffacil (“It’s TODAY’S medium-sized purple pill”), an Irish joke or two, and a picture of Lily the Frog. Because we’re NOT just cat people here. Really.

Greetings, faithful reader. This issue features the return of the Redneck Review (thanks to all the rednecks who have been inquiring about it) and a new column from one of our more recent discoveries, Deborah J. Rebolloso (“You’re Wearing THAT?”), also known as Deb Reb. Thanks to the Monterey Symphony for offering free tickets once again to Foolish Times readers. Just be the 4th, 10th, 15th, or 20th person to email us at tickets@foolishtimes.net. Include your name and email address and we’ll notify the winners on February 15th. Be sure to email soon—we quickly received more than a hundred entries for the December concert tickets. Finally, thanks to everyone who’s been submitting stories, pet photos, cartoons, limericks, and what-not. We were getting low in what-not and appreciate the infusion.

Thanks to all who came out for our first-ever Foolish Times humor reading on December 11. A great time was had by All. A lot of other people, too, judging from the feedback we’ve received. Clint Eastwood, Doris Day, and John Cleese were among the many celebrities who did not attend. Keep an eye out for our next one, to be scheduled for sometime in early 2010. We’ll let you know once we find out if Café 316 will let us come back due to the police incident involving the fire juggler, etc. (long story). Meanwhile, have fun reading the first issue of the new year, and enjoy your dried prunes, or plums, or whatever they are. We wouldn’t touch one, personally.

It seems we left off the ending to one of our stories last month (see Editorial Corrections, below). Thanks to all who were kind enough to bring it to our attention, as we don’t read the paper. We’ve included the ending in this issue, and if you want to read the whole thing, as you surely will, because it is a Foolish Times Classic, go to www.foolishtimes.net. Speaking of classics, you might also consider attending our Comedy Reading at Café 316 on Friday, December 11, at 7:00 p.m. You’ll have the chance to win tickets to the Monterey Symphony and perhaps other prizes as well. Finally, we’re looking for a volunteer editorial assistant. Might you be that wonderful person? Drop me a line at editor@foolishtimes.net if you’re interested. And have a great December!

Happy November, faithful readers. Enjoy this issue, WHICH IS NOT A TURKEY, nap yourself a good football game, keep your hands out of the way of flying fork tines, and THANKS for GIVING us your unwavering support, except for that time you wavered, which we’ve pretty much forgotten about, although not entirely. And keep Friday night, December 11, 7:00 p.m. open. We’ll be having our very first Foolish Times reading at Café 316. Come listen to some of our local humor writers read their stuff and support Café 316 by purchasing their fine coffee, tea, desserts, and other goodies. Interested in participating in the reading? Email your entry to editor@foolishtimes.net or snail mail it to the address at the bottom left of this page and we’ll be glad to consider it. Space is limited, so send it in!

It’s the month of ghosts and goblins and witches and the World Series and—ahem. Sorry, got sidetracked. And vampires and werewolves. Speaking of werewolves, what’s the deal with Tyler, anyway? Find out in “Treatment,” a humorous horror story by best-selling author J.A. Konrath, author of the Lt. Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels thrillers (most recently Cherry Bomb). We’re delighted to feature Mr. Konrath’s work in our pages. (Be sure to visit his website, www.jakonrath.com, to purchase books, download freebies, and learn about writing, publishing, and marketing your work.) We also welcome newcomer Denise Aisling, whose “Don’t Hijack My Halloween” is her first published piece. Other terrifying topics include the home haircut; a man who must replace the faucet in the family bathroom; limburger-garlic morning breath; the 100 billion bacteria living, partying, and reproducing on your body at this very moment; and the stereo that wouldn’t die. The horror! The horror!

This month we unchained, er, gave our regular columnists some time off for vacation and devoted the issue to spotlighting new writers. By “new” we mean new to Foolish Times (or fairly new-four of these writers have published only once in our pages, the other ten are making their official debut). Many of these “new” writers have actually been writing for years and have published their work either in print or on the Internet (whatever that is-we keep meaning to look into it). One thing all of these writers have in common is a talent for making their readers laugh. That’s where you come into the picture, dear reader. Enjoy the issue, enjoy your July, and remember-light fuse and run away!

We took the picture of the guy on the front cover as he was driving down Alvarado the other day. How did we get such a clear shot? He almost hit us, that’s how. We even overheard part of his telephone conversation-he was informing someone that he was, at the moment, eating a doughnut. VERY important information that ABSOLUTELY needed to be transmitted THEN and THERE and could NOT be delayed until later. Meanwhile, as he engaged in this earth-shattering (not to mention law-breaking) conversation, a couple of cars veered out of his way, two pedestrians went flying, and a red light was thoroughly ignored. Anyway, enjoy this salute to the modern American driver-although not while driving, of course. I mean, how would you hold your coffee and doughnut?

Mike T.
Editorial Fool
editor@foolishtimes.net

We’ve been planning our “Blast from the Past” issue for some time now, but it’s taken awhile to put together. As we worked our way through the archives, we began to get a sort of “Uh-oh” feeling. As in, “Uh-oh, we have WAY too many favorite stories, cartoons, limericks, photos, etc. than we can possibly feature in a single ‘best of’ issue.” Which is why you see “Vol. 1″ on the cover. Truth is, we have enough material to fill at least three issues, and we’re still digging around in the vault. So if your favorite writer or story isn’t represented in these particular pages, sit tight-this is your classic case of a work-in-progress, the key word being “classic.” If you have any favorites you’d like to see honored in a future issue, feel free to shoot me an email. Or just shoot me. It’s too hard making these types of decisions.

Due to economic conditions, we’ve been forced to raise our price from free to gratis. We did everything we could to avoid it. But we really needed the gratis. Why? To pay for our new digs, of course! And the Jacuzzi. And the Mercedes. Plus, it’s just hard being funny all the time. Look at how miserably I’m failing now! Anyway, we have a great issue this month, with three newcomers we’re proud to bring into the fold. Brent Basham’s “Redneck Review” is guaranteed to keep all y’all laughin’; humor columnist Leeuna Foster debuts with a hilarious look at the fifties; and Tim Mollen contributes his unique “Lost Journal,” in which he documents his past as though it were the present. This month he records his birth. Yes, his birth. That’s exactly the kind of top-notch foolishness you get for gratis.