Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal, and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . .

And Dog was happy. . .

And Cat didn’t give a damn one way or the other. . .

“Fluffy isn’t moving, Owen.”

“Whadaya mean?”

“I think he’s dead.”

“Nah, he’s just sleeping soundly.”

“No, Owen, he’s dead, as in not among the living; not drawing any breath; ceasing to exist-dead.”

Owen rattled his paper, folded it and with mocked effort and a heavy grunt, lifted his thick body off the tattered easy chair that had become attached to his ass since he’d retired from the NYPD. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
I have a problem with my cat. It seems she is sleeping about 23 hours a day. Do you think she might have chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder or something?

Should I enroll her in a sleep disorder study? Will they pay me for that?

Or do you think she is just bored with our relationship after 12 years? I can’t afford the vet prices around here and would value your input, Will Fargo. You seem to know so much about everything.

Signed,
Worried Cat Owner… in Monterey Read the rest of this article »

Let’s call her Muffy. The cat, not your girlfriend. Why Muffy? It just seems like a good name for an utterly repugnant creature. The cat, not your girlfriend.

She hisses at you. She swipes at you if you try to pet her. She hops up on the coffee table to block your view of that fourth-and-inches play. When you’re getting into it hot and heavy with your girlfriend, she climbs between you. You’re pretty sure she’s saving that special hair for your next pizza slice, and you’re pretty sure it comes from the least desirable of body areas. Read the rest of this article »