I just got my copy of the “2008 Writer’s Market” reference manual. I’m trying to find markets to submit essays for publication and thought I could find some good leads in it. The section on magazines was particularly encouraging. There is a market for everything. Along with the magazine contact information, they offer Editor tips to be published. Here are a few I loved:

“Coonhound Bloodlines”: From the editorial staff, “Writers must retain the ‘slang’ particular to dog people and to our readers—many of whom are from the South.” Reading between the lines here, be careful not to use multi-syllabic words. They just wouldn’t understand.

“Miniature Donkey Talk”: “We cover nonshow events such as fairs, donkey gatherings, holiday events, etc.” What is a donkey gathering and how do I get on the guest list?
“newWitch”: Editor’s note, “Particularly interested in how-to spellcrafting and material for solitary pagans and wiccans.” If you liked “Sabrina Teen Witch,” you’ll LOVE “newWitch”! Also included are tips to make sure you aren’t invited to Prom.

“Good Old Days”: If you think everything’s gone downhill since the Civil Rights Movement, Women’s Liberation, and TiVo, you’ll love “Good Old Days.” This magazine glorifies the first half of the 20th century—everything from trollies to garters. Pick up your copy to remember why they called it the “Great” Depression.

“Autograph Collector”: “Articles stress how and where to locate celebrities and autograph material.” An alternate magazine title they considered was “Stalkers with Sharpies.”

“Teddy Bear Review”: I threw up a little when I saw this one. “We are interested in good, professional writers around the country with a strong knowledge of teddy bears. Historical profile of bear companies, profiles of contemporary artists, and knowledgeable reports on museum collections are of interest.”

“Modern Haiku”: Editor’s tips, “Study the history of haiku, read books about haiku, learn the aesthetics of haiku and methods of composition. Write about your sense perceptions of the suchness of entities; avoid ego-centered interpretations.” Yowzers. I can’t even write about the “suchness” of toast.

“Relocating to the Lake of the Ozarks”: Luckily, the Editor gave a tip for those considering submitting pieces. “Read the magazine and understand our audience.” Thanks, because we really didn’t get it from the overly vague title.

“The Montana Catholic”: This magazine is only for Catholics living in WESTERN Montana. So let’s see, that leaves us with about 10 readers. They accept just about every kind of submission, but draw the line at poetry. Because real Montanans don’t read poetry. Even if they are Catholic.

“The Hook Magazine”: Apparently there is a sport called “tractor pulling” that I’d never heard about. Here’s the magazine for everyone else lucky to be in on it. The Editor tips, “Features on individuals and their tractors…and what they want from competing…Write ‘real’; our readers don’t respond well to scholarly tomes.” No, I guess they wouldn’t.

“Catholic Forester”: I was disappointed with this one. I went to the website and it turns out it’s not a magazine for actual Catholic forest rangers, but just some insurance group. Too bad. I had this great visual of a nun wrestling a grizzly bear.

“Dogs in Canada”: I feel for this Editor. He had to specify that they did “not want articles written from the dog’s point of view.”

So take heart, writers of America! There IS a market for you. You just need to find it.

* * *
Sarah Flake is the author of a humor blog at hollywoodflakes.org that has approximately 10,000 readers a month.