You can’t get any more summer, or summerish, than July. July is the hottest month of the year, and the most American month because of the Fourth of July. And how do we celebrate that glorious day?
By exploding off Mexican-made firecrackers that were originally a Chinese invention. It makes sense. After all, how better to call attention to the implementation of democracy in North America in 1776 than to play with fire and get into pyromania.
As a kid, I loved to set fire to things and blow things up. Remember, the label on the box says “Safe and Sane.” Therefore, I’m a real American son of my Uncle Sam. There’s nothing more American and more fun to a kid than to blow things up. Do-gooders are always trying to outlaw it. Especially anything that’s fun.
I used to take a firecracker and stuff it into an orange and light the fuse and throw the orange high in the air and BLAAAM! Scattered orange parts all over our backyard. Or another time, put one down a length of pipe, and set a walnut in the pipe as a crude cannon ball and POOW! The walnut came blasting out as a dangerous projectile.
I was a patriotic kid.
One time I lit the fuse to a firecracker that was defective. The fuse burned down in one second and blew the firecracker up in my hand before I could throw it. THAT DIDN’T FEEL PATROTIC!
Another time, I lit one of those whistle fireworks that make a loud screeching noise…in a retirement condo development late at night. Waking up the tenants. Fun joke. This took place on April 3.
That wasn’t all that patriotic.
Another time, I and a friend set off a cherry bomb in a neighbor’s pool. After the explosion, running away, I didn’t see a metal clothes line stretched across their yard and garroted my neck, throwing me backwards through the air, almost decapitating myself.
That was painful. Independence was a painful process after all.
Another time, a friend and I (I had many friends) climbed out onto a railroad trestle, a metal span high over a river, and attempted to toss a lady finger (firecracker) into the window of the train caboose as it passed overhead. But the wind snuffed out the lady finger. The train went too fast.
Do you have any idea what it sounds and feels like when an approximate 375-ton train rumbles over a metal framework little more than three feet from your head?
My hearing was gone for a year, and I’ve suffered delusional spells ever since.
It’s doubtful this was very patriotic.
That was in the past. Now I’m middle aged.
Fourth of July in Monterey is often cloudy. You pack the kids and wife in the car and drive around endlessly to find a good place to watch the official organized fireworks show. You want to watch for free so you drive around all over the Presidio looking for a spot. You know you’re old when you don’t want to light fireworks anymore yourself. You want others to do it. This is after a big cookout lunch barbecue and you belch a lot in the car. You watch for the fireworks.
But there’s fog. The fireworks go up through the clouds and explode.
Oh look! What pretty colored clouds.
If you’re really brave, you join multitudes of strange people at the beach who dig holes in the sand and throw litter. Then watch the fireworks. You learn how cold and clammy and disgusting beach sand can be at night.
Yuk!
Then you fight a traffic jam home.
This is patriotic.
I don’t know. Maybe instead of setting things on fire to celebrate our country, we should all get out ballpoint pens and imitate signing the Declaration of Independence. It’s a lot quieter and safer and easier.
But not much fun for kids. Holding pens they have to do in school.
The only other holiday in July is Canada Day (July 2), which I’m sorry Canada, is not worth mentioning.
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John W. Sammon by visiting:
www.sammonsays.com
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