I don’t know why people are so worried about the economy these days. Why, after scoffing at my New Age friends for saying things like “Trust in the Universe, it will provide” and for their insistence that I read the bestseller The Secret and watch the accompanying video, I now have more money than I know what to do with. I scoff no longer.
Just last month, I returned from South Africa with my 40% share of $6,750,000 (plus 3% for expenses) for assisting Dr. Themba Ndlovu with a pesky banking problem at The Amalgamated Banks of South Africa (ABSA).
On my way home, I stopped over in Ghana to meet with the nineteen-year-old, orphaned Kelvin Clark to help him retrieve two silver boxes which were left to him by his father, the late Captain Gordon Clark, who was sadly killed in the war with Liberia. Sigh.
What’s a good Samaritan to do? All Kelvin needed was for me to pay for the demurrages incurred for the storage of these silver boxes. I, of course, did so, and was paid handsomely from the contents of the boxes: “250 kgs. of Raw Gold, 50 Carats of purple rough-cut diamond gemstones of Diamond Creek, Lofa County Origin, and $10.5 million U.S. Dollars.” I passed on the gold and diamonds, but graciously accepted my 43% share of the cash.
After viewing The Secret a second time, I was soon informed by David Smith, Esquire, and Associates of London, that I was named as beneficiary in the will of the late Jurgen Krugger. Poor Jurgen. We had lost contact over the years, and I had no idea he planned to leave me anything, certainly not $30,100,000.
You see what positive thinking and creative visualizations can accomplish?
Next, I received an urgent email from Mr. Ban Ki-Moon, U.N. Secretary General, informing me that the United Nations had decided to compensate all those unfortunate people who have been scammed by the no-good-niks of the world and that my share would be $2,500,000. I thanked him very kindly and told him I would be delighted to take possession of the ATM card he offered.
You’re probably thinking, “Well, what makes HER so special? Why haven’t I been so blessed?” All I can say is that you’re probably not doing your homework—you’re not yet a believer.
You see, according to Miss Stella Hernanos, whose late father, Johnson Hernanos, was tragically killed when his Air France flight crashed into the Brazilian sea last month, she was directed by Almighty God to present me with an opportunity to be of service to her in retrieving her father’s money. It had been unfortunately held up for want of a foreign partner—$15,700,000 to be exact. Since I was raised by my parents to believe in the Golden Rule, I, of course, sprang into action for this unfortunate young woman and was handsomely rewarded. Really, it was the least I could do.
I have to say that the only time I felt the Universe might have been playing a little trick on me was when Adekunle Elvis, “a computer scientist working with central bank of Nigeria,” came to my door and told me that he had “come across (my) file which was marked X and (my) released disk painted RED and realized that I had paid all fees and yet the fund had still not been released to me,” I grew a bit skeptical. However, when he assured me that all I had to do was obtain the “Anti-drug/terrorist clearance certificate which will be tendered to any of your nominated bank and the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) for clearance of the transferred amount in your account,” I replied, “No problem!” Just for answering my door, I pocketed a tidy $15.5 million! I’ll never doubt the Universe again.
By now, you are probably muttering to yourself, “Well, that’s fine for her, she’s got all this money, but what about me? Who is going to help me?” Well, lucky for you, my parents, the late Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, taught me to share. All you have to do is provide me with your name, address, phone number, bank routing number, social security number, and maiden name (if female), and I’ll get right back to you.
Blessings to you and yours.
* * *
Rosie Sorenson is an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. Her new photo essay book, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow, is about her thirteen years of loving and being loved by a colony of smart, funny feral cats. To learn more and to purchase the book, please visit her website: www.theyhadmeatmeow.com.
