Well, the truth is finally out. My life is of no interest to Oprah. I know this because I periodically check her website to see what types of guests and topics she’s looking for just in case I might be eligible to make an appearance. So far, not so good. Makes me feel like a pork chop at a vegan convention.
Here’s Oprah’s recent wish list for which I do not qualify:
1) “Do You Need to Lose 100 Pounds or More?” Nope. If I lost that much weight I’d pretty much disappear. I have my older brother, Robert, to thank for my staying slim all these years. When I was sixteen I begged him to snag me a date with one of his friends. He declined. When I asked him what I needed to do to get a guy to like me, he said this: “Well, Rosie, whatever you do, don’t get fat. Guys hate fat chicks!” That was it. Short and sweet, a message burned into my brain for all time. He now swears that he never said that, but I know what I heard, and it has scared me into slimness all these years.
2) “Do You Have an Embarrassing Medical Problem?” Oh, God. I hope not, and if I did, I sure as heck wouldn’t go on national TV to talk about it.
3) “Are You a Karaoke Queen?” I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Karaoke bar.
4) “Need Help Throwing a Dinner Party or Birthday Bash?” I’ve given exactly one birthday party in the past ten years—and that was hosted at a friend’s house. When Steve moved in ten years ago and needed an office, I relinquished my dining room.
5) “Calling all Overweight Moms!” As I said, I’m not overweight and I’ve never been a Mom—except to 35 homeless cats that I feed every day. Do you suppose I could interest Oprah in that?
6) “Does Your Mom Need a Makeover?” Probably not; she’s been dead for many years.
7) “Have You Ever Had Sex with a Family Member?” Not that I can remember.
7) “Are You the World’s Biggest Garage Sale Queen?” I would be if I had a garage to keep all my stuff in.
“Trying to Find Your Personal Style?” Found it already: t-shirts and sweat pants. Anybody got a problem with that?
9) “Aha Moment After the Whitney Interview?” Yeah, just say “no” to loser boyfriends and bad drugs. Ah, Whitney, Whitney, what were you thinking?
10) “Dating Disaster.” Now we’re talking my kind of show except that an hour is not nearly long enough, and I don’t think I’d like to have to admit my part in those disasters.
11) “Want to Know About Your DNA?” Not even. Everyone’s got a crazy Uncle Clyde, but the world doesn’t need to know that I might have been the recipient of some of his DNA.
12) “Do You Want to Break Up with Your Doctor?” I already did that two years ago after he had ignored my complaints of insomnia for five years; then I found out I had sleep apnea. Bye, bye.
13) “Have You Always Wanted a Breast Reduction?” Are you kidding?
14) “NY Area Only: Are you worried about your fingernails?” I don’t have that kind of time.
15) “Want to Know if Your Home Is Aging You?” No, because then I’d have to shoot it.
16) “Have a Unique Dance Routine to Teach Dr. Oz?” I can do a mean funky chicken, but I’m not sure that would play well on TV.
After reading Oprah’s wish list for prospective guests, I felt bad that I didn’t fit in. Apparently, I’ve missed out on many cultural boats. I’ve never been fat, never been married to a drug addict, never slept with a family member, not much of an exhibitionist.
I know this sounds pathetic, but the worst that can probably be said of me is that I have a mad crush on Mickey Rourke. So, when Oprah does a show on “Women Who Love Mickey Too Much,” I’m there.
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Rosie Sorenson is an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. Her new photo essay book, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow, is about her thirteen years of loving and being loved by a colony of smart, funny feral cats. To learn more and to purchase the book, please visit her website: www.theyhadmeatmeow.com.
