It’s getting so you can’t eat or buy toys or fly these days without making sure beforehand that you’ve updated your Living Trust. You never know when Mr. Free Market will strike you dead.

Just the other day, I pulled up to the drive-in window at McDonald’s and instead of being asked, “Do you want fries with that?” I thought I heard the woman say, “Do you want salmonella with that?”

I said, “Nope—had that last week. Just give me the e-coli, please.”

And, don’t even think about buying toys for the grandkids. If it’s made in China, you can pretty much guarantee it’s going to kill them. Or you. Last time I checked, exposure to lead was a significant cause of brain damage. Used to be the only time you were asked whether or not you wanted leaded or unleaded was when you pulled into your neighborhood gas station.

Now, you have to stand behind the “privacy” line at Toys-R-Us just like you do at the doctor’s office, while the person ahead of you completes and signs a form which states, “I realize that by buying the above-listed toys, I am willfully submitting myself and/or others to choking, lead poisoning, and possible premature death, but I’ve decided to buy this crap anyway. I promise not to sue Toys-R-Us, or China, or any other country for their cavalier disregard for my health and the health of my loved ones.”

And, speaking of China, what’s with the apology that Mattel recently made to that country for the recall of 22 million toys? Yes, that’s right. MATTEL apologized to CHINA for the screw-up in the manufacture of its toys. Apparently, the Chinese just LOVE putting lead into things. They must have a bunch of the stuff lying around and, well, it has to go somewhere. But, for Mattel to apologize to the Chinese government—that’s like a battered woman apologizing to her abusive husband for repeatedly slamming her cheek into his fist. “My bad,” she might say.

Mr. Free Market (who I’m convinced by now must be feeling really, really bad for all the harm he’s causing…if only I could coax him into counseling…) has struck again in the airline industry.

I called my travel agent to book a flight to Phoenix. I wanted to take my sweetheart, Steve, to the Grand Canyon for his birthday, one of those birthdays to which a big, scary number is attached. The agent said he’d call me right back with some options.

“Hey, Rosie,” he said after I picked up the phone. “Got some choices for you—cheap fares and everything. But, first you have to select the airline you want to fly on. Do you want the one with cracks in the 24ies of its planes (Southwest), or the one with electrical problems which might cause the fuel tank to explode (American Airlines), or the one where the pilot shoots holes in the sides of the cockpit—accidentally, we assume, but you never know (US Air). Which will it be: cracks, flames, or holes?”

“Hmmm,” I said. “I guess I’ll go with the cracks.”

“Good choice,” he said. “That’s the one I’d pick. Oh, and there’s one more thing…”

“Yes, I know,” I said. “I’ll sign it—the form that says if the plane crashes I promise not to sue. After all, it’ll be my bad, not theirs.”

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Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Contra Costa Times, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, the Berkeley Daily Planet, and the University of Iowa “Daily Palette” (curated by the Iowa Review). Her essays have also been broadcast on KQED-FM as part of its Perspectives series. Her essay “Safe Haven” was named Listener Favorite for 2006. She also won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck International Writing Competition in 2007. In addition, one of her poems appears in the 25th Anniversary edition of Mobius, the Poetry Journal. Readers can read more of her work at www.damngoodwriters.com.