I SO want to be Michael Phelps. Oh, not because he’s a demon swimmer, but because he gets to eat 12,000 calories a day! Has to! Every day! That’s close to what I eat in a week!

Can you imagine the guilt-free, unrestrained pig-outs? The unlimited Kentucky Fried Chicken, the chocolate cake, the blueberry muffins, the mint-chip gelato, the mashed potatoes, the chocolate . . . omigod!! Of course, you’d have to work out like a maniac so you wouldn’t gain 300 pounds, but still, just the idea of unabashed food debauchery is very appealing.

I broke out a box of ice cream sandwiches in Michael’s honor while watching the Olympics. At a commercial break during the women’s gymnastics prelims, I switched to the TRU channel, a recently-acquired guilty pleasure, where they offer up such programs as “World’s Dumbest Criminals,” “Maximum Mayhem,” and “Lethal Ladies.” The voiceover narrator growls, “Tru TV! It’s Not Reality, it’s ACTUALITY!!!!!!!!” Watching these programs is like reading the National Enquirer—you can’t NOT look, but you certainly don’t want your friends to find out.

On that particular evening, Tru-TV was airing an episode of “Lethal Ladies” while at the same time, on another channel, Shawn Miller was dazzling the world with her floor exercise routine. I sat there licking the dripping chocolate from my fingers as she danced and flipped and twirled . After she completed her routine, I switched channels just in time to see video footage of Frances, the drunken Flight Attendant, making her three-point landing on the cement floor of the police station. She had been dragged there after she was (thankfully) stopped at the boarding gate, fully intending to fly that day. One of the TSA staff noticed her wobbling toward the plane, and when he tried to stop her, she let fly with a string of alcohol-laced expletives. “I’m a flight attendant, you blankety-blank idiots,” she screamed, “I have a job to do!” Whereupon, the TSA person did his job and called the police.

Back to gymnastics. There’s Nastia Liukin swinging away on the uneven parallel bars, a perfect study in beauty, athleticism, and grace under pressure. Another commercial.

“Lethal Ladies.” There’s Betty, high on something other than life or uneven parallel bars, caught on the security camera while breaking into the local confectionary at midnight, grabbing every truffle in sight. Her cheeks bulged like a chipmunk as she swept everything from the counter into her canvas bag. When she completed that task, she then picked up a chair and smashed it into the display case, scooping up more sugary delights. Another commercial break.

Back to Beijing. Alicia Sacramone, with all the speed and ferocity she can muster, throws herself into the air from the vaulting horse, twisting impossibly on the way down, overshoots her mark and doesn’t quite make her landing stick. Points deducted. Perhaps she needed more chocolate.

Switching back and forth between the channels, I could only shake my head when I thought about the contrast between the athletes who got started early on the path to discipline and accomplishment, and the women who had somewhere along the way gotten derailed and whose misfortunes were now put on display for the entire world. Time for another ice cream sandwich.
After watching a few more athletes, a few more criminals, and eating a pint of “Rocky Road,” I pushed myself away from the TV, fully intending to go for a run. But, wait! Michael says that before you work out, you need some serious carbo loading, so I grabbed a granola bar, put on my running shoes and, oh no! Now, I feel sick. Must—lie—down!

Time to re-think the Phelps diet.

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Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Contra Costa Times, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, the Berkeley Daily Planet, and the University of Iowa “Daily Palette” (curated by the Iowa Review). Readers can read more of her work at www.damngoodwriters.com.