So, there I was, driving down interstate 80 on my way to the El Cerrito Farmer’s Market, when I realized I had forgotten to bring along my canvas shopping bag. Damn! I felt certain I was going to end up in Recyling Hell because now I’d have to use at least three plastic bags to pack up all the carrots and other veggies I planned to buy. I could stick them down my pants, I supposed, but that might attract some unwanted attention. No, I’d just have to return home with the poisonous bags and drive them over to the landfill myself, praying for forgiveness all the way.

In the midst of my mental beat-up I glanced over at the passing lane and saw a Chevron double-tanker truck with a sign painted on its side in big bold letters: “Driven to Find a Cure.” Next to those words was a website: “www.cure.com.” And, a pink ribbon!

Here I am worried about three lousy plastic bags and this guy’s sitting atop a sloshing ton of carcinogenic chemicals designed to be put into other carcinogenic-spewing vehicles, and Chevron has the nerve to slap on a catchy slogan and a pink ribbon to sell us on the idea that they give a hoot about breast cancer? That would be like me proclaiming to the world that I’m a 5′2″ aborigine when it’s pretty obvious I stand 5′9″ and have more than a little Scandinavian blood running through me.

I can just picture the meeting at which this campaign originated. Chevron managers, John and Charlie, were kicking around ideas for a new PR roll-out with Skip, the CEO of Chevron’s advertising agency, Prevaricators Professionale.

“As you’ve probably heard by now, Skip, we’ve been making obscene profits while at the same time, heh heh, polluting the heck out of the air, but what do you say we insist that it ain’t so? I’m just floatin’ a hypothetical, you understand, but let’s just suppose we wanted to do such a thing, where would we start?”

“Well, that’s easy, John,” Skip replies. “First, you’ve got to pretend that none of what you’ve just said is true and act accordingly. And, then, find the weak, sweet spot. For example, what’s the thing most people are afraid of-especially, women, because, you know, they’re the easiest group to scare?”

“That their husbands would run off with some bimbo?”
“Something even bigger and badder than that? I mean, we can’t very well tell them that using our brand of gas will stop their husbands from running off with bimbos, but what else could we say that would make them think kindly of us?”
“My wife is always worried about her breasts,” says Charlie. “I don’t know how that would fit in here, but all I have to do is look at some other woman’s chest and she goes beserk!”

“Breasts!” says John. “Who doesn’t love breasts?”

“You’re onto something, fellas,” says Skip. “How about cancer? Aren’t they all worried about breast cancer?

Everybody talks about it-whaddya say we DO something about it.”

“DO something?” says Charlie. “We’ve already done enough, don’t you think?”

“Now, now, you’re sounding too much like the reality-based community,” Skip says. “Have you learned nothing about the concept of the BIG LIE ? How ‘bout we act as if we’re VERY concerned about breast cancer and are, by God, DOING something about it?”

John and Charlie look at each other, raise their eyebrows, and in unison, say, “Like what?”

“Why don’t we try something like this: We’ll start a website, we’ll sell little plastic cars to make money for the cause, and we’ll make up a slogan. Let me see . . .” He paces about the room. “How about this: ‘Driven to Find a Cure!’ Yes, that’s it. ‘Driven to Find a Cure,’ get it?”
“Oh, you’re bad, Skip, bad to the bone,” says John, smiling.

“That’s why you pay me the big bucks,” says Skip. “Now, let’s hop in my Hummer and go get a drink!”

***

Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Contra Costa Times, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, the Berkeley Daily Planet, and the University of Iowa “Daily Palette” (curated by the Iowa Review). Her essays have also been broadcast on KQED-FM as part of its Perspectives series. Her essay “Safe Haven” was named Listener Favorite for 2006. She also won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck International Writing Competition in 2007. In addition, one of her poems appears in the 25th Anniversary edition of Mobius, the Poetry Journal. Readers can read more of her work at www.damngoodwriters.com.