It’s gotten so bad lately, what with the conflagration in our economy, the mess in Iraq, and the startling arrival of that moose-eating, beauty-pageant-smiling humanoid, that I’ve taken to making animal noises. Cow noises, in particular. You know-for those occasions when words don’t care enough to send the very best?

I discovered quite by accident one day that if I kept my lips together, thrust my tongue against my hard palate, and squeezed the air out of my diaphragm while at the same time vibrating my vocal cords, I sounded just like a cow in distress and, let’s face it, isn’t that what we all feel right now? A lot of DISTRESS!!!

It’s the only rational thing to do when madness gnaws at your edges like flesh-eating bacteria. It’s especially useful when traffic is nasty and you don’t want to be shot at because you flipped the one-finger salute to the guy (or gal) who just cut you off and forced your car into a guardrail.

And, you no longer want to use the “f-bomb” because everybody uses it these days and since you’re not everybody, why not just let fly with a “mmmmmmmooooooo!!!” No cows are exploited for this exercise and, as long as you keep your windows rolled up, no one will get hurt. After a few rounds of practice, I guarantee you will feel MUCH better.

Back in the 80’s, I attended some meditation and chanting groups, thinking that that was the path to nirvana, but I could never, ever get with the “ooommm.” I’m sad to admit it, but the “ooommm” did nothing for me. A good mmmmmmoooooo,” on the other hand-now, that’s the sound of transformation. It vibrates deep in the chest cavity and expresses everything you feel-the frustration, the loneliness, the outrage. Yes, it’s good to be a cow, at least in the sound department.

Many years ago, I worked with a social worker at a stroke rehab center who now and then liked to break out in a dog-like howl-”ow-ooo, ow-ooo.” Fridays were an especially good day to howl, and she enlisted all her co-workers to join her. It was righteous fun, all twenty-five of us howling like rabid canines. We loved it.

I got so used to hearing Carolyn howl, that one day as I was leaving Citibank and heading for the parking lot, I heard behind me “ow-oo, ow-oo.” I assumed Carolyn was also doing her banking that day but when I turned around, I saw a dog. An actual dog! Howling! I was shocked and shocked that I was shocked.

So, I say, when you’re feeling out of control and the only thing that keeps you from loading up on shotgun shells and hand grenades is the knowledge that the knock on the door would come all too soon, try a good “mmmmooooo.” Or a ripping “ow-oooo, ow-ooo.” Or both.

All together now, “MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOO, OW-OOOOOO, OW-OOOOOO!!”

There! Don’t you feel better?
* * *
Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Contra Costa Times, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, the Berkeley Daily Planet, and the University of Iowa “Daily Palette” (curated by the Iowa Review). Her essays have also been broadcast on KQED-FM as part of its Perspectives series. Her essay “Safe Haven” was named Listener Favorite for 2006. She also won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck International Writing Competition in 2007. In addition, one of her poems appears in the 25th Anniversary edition of Mobius, the Poetry Journal. Readers can read more of her work at www.damngoodwriters.com.