There are a lot of things I don’t understand. Like physics, how the Internet really works, and anything to do with women.
Seriously, anything. Sure, it would be nice to know exactly why two objects of different weight fall at the same rate, but it’s not necessary to my survival. Understanding my wife is.
Unfortunately, I don’t. I don’t understand what she eats, what she watches on TV, why she spends so much time in the bathroom, and anything that comes out of her mouth.
Sure, all of our conversations are in English, but they’re in girl-English. I speak boy-English, which mainly consists of highly in-depth discussions about beer, bodily functions, and cheerleaders. But, frankly, she gets a little upset when I bring up cheerleaders, so that cuts down the conversation topics quite a bit. Girl-English is full of words I have to look up.
“I don’t get it,” I said one day as we talked while walking the jogging track, cooled by the breeze of joggers zooming by.
“Don’t get what?” she asked.
“What we were talking about,” I said. It was something like the family budget, or her feelings, or cheese, or the fact that we should be jogging, or something like that. I wasn’t sure.
“What isn’t there to understand?” she said. “I always tell you what I’m thinking. I always tell you how I feel. Understanding me should be easy.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That’s what I don’t get.”
Ladies, as a representative of my gender, I have to stress that the male brain works more like a fart joke and less like an episode of “Gilmore Girls.” Our thoughts come in short bursts and we make a face at the end. The male brain doesn’t comprehend feelings or anything that’s not between two slices of bread—and that includes beer, bodily functions and cheerleaders.
My wife just shook her head and kept walking.
What did I learn from this exchange? Absolutely nothing. Did this teach me anything about women? No. But after enough years of this, I might be able to fake my way through anything.
Jason’s Rules to Understanding Women
1. You can’t. Stop trying.
2. Agree with everything she says. Guys, if your significant other is upset enough to complain and then ask your opinion, she doesn’t want your opinion. She wants you to tell her she’s right, everyone else is a jerk, and the world should just die. Do it.
3. If a woman ever asks about your feelings, lie and say you have them on the off chance she’ll drop the conversation. She probably won’t. In that case, talk about sports, then she’ll drop the conversation.
4. If she asks what you’re thinking, always say, “I was thinking about that time we (insert fond memory here),” instead of what you’re actually thinking, which is about girls in bikinis. Are the girls cheerleaders? Probably, but it’s their day off.
5. Women love/hate their hair. Every two to three days, say to your woman, “Have you done something new to your hair?” Chances are she has. If she hasn’t, “Well, it looks nice,” is an appropriate response. “Did you wash it?” is not.
6. Women want attention at all times, which works against a guy’s basic desire to be left the heck alone. Planting a few “you look pretty” landmines into your day usually buys enough time to eat a sandwich while she’s looking in the mirror to see what you’re talking about.
7. Women cry. We don’t know why they do this because we haven’t cried since, a) you fell and skinned your knee that time in preschool, b) the T-101 was lowered into molten lead at the end of Terminator II: Judgment Day, or c) uh, um. Well, there wasn’t a third time. But women will cry during a movie, after they read a good book, when they remember something, or for a reason they don’t even know. It’s during these times they need someone strong and compassionate to hold them. And that’s too bad because once the waterworks start, you’re in the garage pretending to fix the car.
Does any of this make sense? No. But as a husband, it’s my job to make eye contact with my wife and nod a lot. It seems to work.
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You can order Jason’s books on the paranormal, “Darkness Walks: The Shadow People Among Us,” and “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to Missouri’s Most Spirited Spots,” at amazon.com.
