Dear Will Fargo,
I am a person who loves a good beat. When I hear a good beat, my foot just gets to tapping and I can’t seem to do anything about it. And then when one foot gets to tapping, my other foot starts feeling left out and so it starts tapping too. And then guess what happens? My fingers start snapping!
So, what’s the problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is. It’s all that good music they play in public places. I can’t even go to the bank anymore because people complained about me tapping my toes and snapping my fingers in line!
I can’t go grocery shopping without people frowning at me and shaking their heads. What is wrong with everyone, Will?! Don’t they feel the beat too? I mean, sometimes even when there’s not a good beat coming over the airwaves I hear one in my head anyway and it all starts up all on its own… like right now!…
Doo be doo be doo bop shba da ba dop ba dooby doo wa wa… bom ba dee bom bomp… doo wacka doo doo!
See what I mean? I just can’t stop!! Wacka wacka wack dum dum wacka dum… blo de o de o deo ba dum da doo dum. Row deo deo deo deo de bo bo teo teo. And a snap, snap, and a snap snap snap. Doo be doobe doo be doo tap tap tap.
A tap, a tap, a tap tap tap, my toes are tapping and my fing fing fingers and a whap whap whap with a slap slap slap on my leg leg leg and a knock knock knock on my block block block!
Who’s that knockin’ on by block block bloggin? Oh it’s me me me! Knock knock knockin’ on my nog nog noggin, with a left, a right, a right, a left, a knock knock knockin on my block block bloggin!
Phew!! See what I mean?
Will, do you have any advice that can help with this problem? I think people think I’m weird.
Signed,
Doo Wacka Bum Bum… in Seaside
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Dear Doo Wacka Bum Bum… in Seaside
That is a very interesting problem you have, Doo Wacka. Do you mind if I call you Doo Wacka? Actually, I’m not sure you have much of a problem. Maybe it’s the rest of the world who has the problem.
Wasn’t that you I saw in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s the other day with your earphones on, tapping your foot and snapping your fingers while waiting in line?
And then you started really getting into it and started slappin’ out a gnarly paradiddle on that real straight-looking guy with the blue uniform standing in front of you.
What was his problem, anyway? I thought you were right on the beat! Why did he slap those handcuffs on you so fast? But I noticed that didn’t stop your fingers or your toes for one second. You didn’t miss a beat. You were snap snap snappin’ and tap tap tappin’ all the way to the car!
And I don’t know if anyone else saw this, but I swear, when that cop put his hand on top of your head to put you in the back seat, he gave a little shuffle with his feet and then brought up his other hand and did a little flam tap on you just before he closed the door.
And then he pretended the door wasn’t shut all the way after he heard that great thunk it made when he closed it. Why? So he could open it again and snap the latch a couple times before he closed and opened it two more times!
You’re not weird, Doo Wacka!! If you are then tell me this. Why did the judge ask his clerk to bring him a second gavel when he went to adjourn the court and then proceed to jam out a hot groove on his desk and then on the walls on his way back to his chambers?
Are judges the only ones who get to have chambers? I want some chambers too, damn it!! Why can’t I have chambers?
And why did everybody stop and get in a circle and watch the bailiff do his break dance routine after he took you down when you wouldn’t stop hoppin? Yeah, I followed you through the whole ordeal, Doo Wacka! And I’ve come to this conclusion:
The world needs more of this sort of Public Disturbance only you can provide! You are a natural leader!! So I’m calling on all Foolish Times readers to write in Doo Wacka Bum Bum for President of the United States of America!!
Will… I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
Need good solid bogus advice or special answers to questionable questions? Will Fargo may be reached at <willfargo@foolishtimes.net>
