Jeff Gordon… you’ve got nothing on me. Tony Stewart… try walking in my shoes. Dale Earnhardt Jr… don’t even think about it.These boys every Sunday play around in supercharged flying machines designed to go faster than politicians running to a photo opportunity. They swerve in and out of traffic, dodging each other, bouncing around at times like a ball bearing in a pinball machine.

“Tradin’ paint,” the announcer says.

I may be bragging, but I can do one better. I take my teenagers to school every morning. Even more, I take them to high school.

FYI, the drop-off lane at our institution of learning has twice been registered in the Department of Transportation’s “Sites likely to cause serious harm to a minivan.”
Last year, they listed us second to the local volunteer fireman’s demolition derby.

Between you and me, it’s always a treat to witness parents’ faces as they approach the “pits.” White knuckles, sweaty palms, and lines of fear etching their already stressed foreheads are but a few indicating marks.

One school board member proposed handing out ribbons at the end of the year to all drivers with three or less crashes on the premises. He only got two votes for his resolution. The paper said the other members were out getting estimates on smashed fenders. No word on where the accidents took place, but I have my theories.

It’s in the pits where the men and the boys are separated.
Going into the trenches is one of the most nerve-wracking times of the day. It’s a moment when the driver is required to place a fifteen-foot car in a twenty-five-foot space while maintaining a minimum speed with people scrambling between the open lanes. All this while twenty or so of his closest friends are trying to perform the same feat in the next slot.

And I’m not talking about Daytona. This is real life… this is high school.

Like NASCAR, we need spotters with loud speakers, directing the mayhem.

“You, the green minivan-GO, GO, GO! The white four-door, a slot opens in oncoming traffic in five seconds. The blue VW, pull in NOW! Watch out for the bus! The yellow sedan-go low! The silver SUV has taken more than fourteen seconds to offload the kids… get moving!”

Try funneling 900+ high-schoolers through a loading ramp the size of a basketball court and you’ll understand.

The other day some poor rookie tried delivering a student in the “pits” and wasn’t prepared for the onslaught. Because of inexperience, not knowing when to jump into traffic, I heard the car sat there until midnight.

Maybe they should break them in with some practice runs at the McDonald’s drive-up window.