By Mary Tompsett – Some folks say we’re in for a nasty winter if the squirrels have grown extra tufts of fur on their ears and legs.
Around here, however, the most dependable mammalian forecasters aren’t hirsute rodents. No, they’re post-menopausal women. And I’m proud to say, for the past few months the growth of my leg hair has been phenomenal! Classier broads would be embarrassed, but fortunately, I could give a crap. Although it’s a shame I can no longer squeeze my over-follicled legs into my jeans, I love masquerading as a fashionista in a wool mini skirt above hairy legs that look like pants made of wolf fur. Too bad my ear muffs won’t stay on—damn that extra fuzz growing out of my ears.
Midwesterners normally get through the winter by bowling, trading Spam recipes, and braiding our back hair. But my state recently added a distraction with a new law allowing people to carry concealed weapons. For years we could openly bear arms if we had a permit, so why the big deal to regulate concealed ones? But what really baffles me is why weapons now include…spices!? Yeah. The law is referred to as CONCEALED CURRY!?! Wow, who knew turmeric was so bad??
Some FAQs for you. Does Concealed Curry mean I cannot wear spices openly? Yeah, snookums, this means no more open containers balanced on top of your backpack. No walking into a bar with baggies of tumeric around your neck. And that curried chicken casserole? Better be covered in foil, dude.
How must it be concealed? That’s up to you, toots. There are some clever holsters you can buy, and I’ll talk more on that later. But the easiest method of concealment? Just dump your curry into an empty spice jar and change the label to cayenne pepper or chili seasoning! Hell, you could also fluffle a handful of curry through your hair and parade brazenly around town without suspicion. But do not try the hair fluffle on a windy day. I found out there’s no bigger cop magnet for checking curry permits than a bright orange cloud trailing from one’s noggin.
What about concealed curry in the home? Curry is unrestricted on private property, even though it will eventually lose its potency and flavor if left out in the open (your veggie dip will lose its punch). However, you’re free to snort piles of it off your coffee table while cavorting through the house in that skimpy teddie you bought online at J. Edgar’s Secrets.
Is concealed curry legal in all public places? Sadly, no. Fanatical spice bigots have banned concealed curry from police stations, courtrooms, prisons and mental health institutions. Ditto for school grounds, which is so ridiculous. Good luck finding five kids who even know what curry is, much less would eat it! And here’s an interesting tidbit: Concealed curry is okay in bars, but only if you don’t plan to drink alcohol! Finally, a law that makes sense! Focus on the rare drinker, not the hordes of regular non-drinking patrons who belly up to the bar simply to toss back the stale pretzels.
Oh, what a blessing! The Concealed Curry law will boost the economy through sales of accessories and holsters to fit every need and fashion whim. Goodbye, boring black leather ankle holster! Hello to the life-like flesh-tone model that passes for a severely swollen diabetic ankle, especially if viewed by one of the atypical bar patrons who are actually drinking. And come summer, you beach lovers can wow your friends by wiggling into a sleek and sexy thong holster! Hot pink is popular, but if you’re serious about concealing your curry, go with the camouflage print.
Take advantage of the many after-holiday sales on curry accessories and start the new year right. Pimp out your pickup cab with a rear window-mounted spice rack.
Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com. Copyright © 2012 by Mary Tompsett
