What if, along with your regular 11 issues of “Martha Stewart Living,” once a year the magazine sent you “The Mailman Issue” filled with pictures of dashing, shirtless postal workers ducking secretively into suburban homes? Then, my friends, women would finally be equal to men.

Please tell me that you’ve already purchased your copy of the 2008 “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.” It’s your once chance a year to get away with being a slimy ogler and not have anyone call the cops on you. Filled with famous women “dressed” in g-strings and bikini tops writhing in the sand, this issue is a marketing dream come true. So what if it says “Sports Illustrated” on the top?

This issue promises to have nothing at all to do with sports. In fact, the 2007 edition’s cover had teasers such as “Body Painting that Rocks,” “The Dreamgirl as You’ve Never Seen Her,” and “Look Who’s in Elvis’ Bed.” Let’s save the suspicious circumference of Barry Bonds’ head for March—the February issue is all about skin.

I’ve been pretty riled up about this yearly phenomenon. So you can imagine my relief when I read that, in fact, this issue was for women as well! Susan Breslow Sardone wrote an article assuring women that the Swimsuit Issue is a handy tool for us gals to see what we should be wearing. I felt empowered by reading that the Swimsuit Issue is “a shopping guide for women, cluing them in to the latest swimsuits, bathing suits, bikinis, and thongs for the beach.”

How silly of me! And here I thought this was just a marketing gimmick to get more men subscribing to the magazine. I’m going to get my subscription tomorrow and totally out-writhe Beyonce on the beach this summer.

But wait, I vaguely remember my Mom telling me that looks aren’t everything…

Not to worry. The Managing Editor of the magazine, Terry McDonell, talked about the rigid selection process for the sandy sirens. Beauty is only one of many factors determining a woman’s inclusion in the issue. “The success of the SI Swimsuit Issue has always been in the combination of beauty, athleticism, and personality of the models we choose,” he said. From this deadly combination, we can rest assured that every model in this issue not only has a perfect body, but can also dunk on Michael Jordan and tame wild mustangs with a single, limpid glance. How quickly I jumped to conclusions. I apologize, men. McDonell makes it perfectly clear that it’s what’s “beneath” the swimsuit that really matters.

“Sports Illustrated” is projected to reach about 64 million adults. However, the swimsuit edition typically sells twice as much as any other SI issue, is sold in more than 15 countries, and printed in a dozen languages. It is the most purchased issue of any magazine issue every year. It is typically released on Valentine’s Day to add that “special something” to the holiday. The 2000 edition was even accompanied by 3-D goggles to view certain photos. However, this complex development overwhelmed most of the amoeba-brained readers and the idea was scrapped in future issues.

The 2007 issue was filled with “music themed” shots. Not only did singer Beyonce grace the cover, but other fleshy gals were photographed with famous musicians such as Aerosmith, Kenny Chesney, and Panic! At the Disco. Accordingly, this was the first year you could purchase an accompanying CD to listen to while browsing your magazine. For only $20 you could not only see, but experience through music, the true message of the Swimsuit Issue.

And if that’s not enough to get your sports fix, you can subscribe to have an SI Swimsuit Model as your cell phone wallpaper with the wallpaper updating each month to showcase another girl. Total immersion can be yours under the guise of sports.

The Swimsuit Issue has been printing since 1964—right when we women were supposedly going through a revolution to put an end to sexism. The early models must have thought this was a way to free themselves and show how empowered they were. Some charismatic editor probably gave them the “take off your clothes and we’ll respect you” line. Forty years later we are still falling for it. Some revolution. Now where’s my issue?

Sarah Flake is the author of a humor blog at hollywoodflakes.org that has approximately 10,000 readers a month.