By Brent Basham
I’d Like to Thank…
Where do I begin? This is just such an honor, really. I’m at a complete loss for words. I take that back. It’s obvious from the existence of the following paragraphs that’s simply not true. I can’t back that up.
Let me start over. For the better part of six years I have struggled to gain recognition for my writing and that day has finally arrived. Hallelujah. I can now proudly add my name to the list of previously unpublished Internet writers who have the good fortune of seeing their work in print.
Granted the publication is free, I’m writing for free, and come to think of it they did mention something about washing the windows down at the office too. But I think it’ll be worth it.
Many of you (more like all of you) probably have no idea who I am. So as a good-will gesture I’m going to take this time to satisfy that burning curiosity (I’m sure it must be killing you) and list my credentials below.
*I was born and raised in the South (Georgia, not Southern California).
*I learned how to write cursive in the third grade.
*Though I’ve never been on ESPN for spelling (not the right gene pool), I have scored at least a C or better on every spelling test I’ve ever taken.
*I can read.
*I can type.
*I grew up in a family that didn’t have any problem speaking their mind.
*The publisher asked me to write for them (which is really all I need).
As you can plainly see I am plenty qualified, perhaps even overqualified, to write for a living. Entertaining people is in my blood. Through the challenges I always knew that some day my big break would come. Now I will be writing for literally thousands of people each month. And some of them will actually like my writing. It’s a mathematical inevitability. So, needless to say I am ecstatic.
So without further ado I have prepared a list of people I’d like to thank who, in their own way, have each contributed to this special moment.
That little pudgy neighbor kid Josh from my childhood: Without you I might never have gotten my mouth washed out with soap. In retrospect, I believe that lone event solidified my future as a sarcastic (and occasionally humorous) writer.
My mother: The first soap incident and all that followed helped shape me into the man I am today. I can honestly say that denied of this particular form of physical torture I may easily have slipped into a life of mediocrity. Thanks, Mom.
My redneck family and friends: Y’all provide a guy with so much material it’s impossible to keep up. Just continue being you and I’ll keep doing what I do.
Al Gore: Without the aid of the Internet he invented I would’ve had a heck of a time getting the attention of this fine publication. I realize you’re probably thinking, “Hey, what about using a homing pigeon?” But the truth is I’ve never been too good at aiming those dang things. And birds don’t tend to fly so well when their takeoff involves being launched beak first into the nearest pine tree.
The fans: Technically there are only four of you right now. However, I just finished reading The Magic of Thinking Big, so I’d like to give a shout-out to the 500 billion of you who will soon be using a portion of your economic stimulus package to buy my new book. You might even have enough cash left over to enjoy an evening out at Mickey D’s. Thirteen dollars a week could be just the shot in the arm this failing economy needs. Don’t forget to thank your local congressman.
Admittedly, there are far too many people to thank here. I have barely gotten the list started and already I can hear the elevator music ushering me off the keyboard. Bummer.
Anyway, please don’t feel left out if you don’t see your name listed here. There’s just no way I can include every person who has impacted my life in some way, helping me reach this pinnacle. Well, actually, I could list everyone but then I’d also have to include a retirement speech as well (since I’m sure this would be both my first and last issue). And quite frankly, I just don’t have it in me right now.
So you’ll just have to take solace in my ending this article the same way my little boy Cody ends his prayers every night… with a summary.
I want to thank that little pudgy neighbor kid Josh from my childhood,
I want to thank my mother,
I want to thank my redneck family and friends,
I want to thank Al Gore (good lookin’ out man),
I want to thank the fans,
AND I want to thank everybody else,
Amen.
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