When did the American workforce abolish secretaries?
Heard recently on a radio commercial was the celebration of “Administrative Assistants Day.” It sounded so odd to the ear that it cast doubt that any self-respecting chauvinistic boss would want to chase one of those around the desk at the office.
The term makes the average, and often less educated “assistant,” sound more like Einstein when in reality they are closer in intellectual depth to Chrissie Snow from “Three’s Company.”
Can we get rid of the politically correct job titles? Historically, the “Administrative Assistant” is the secretary! Heck, in many cities in the 1980s they used to compete in “Secretary Olympics”! Nobody competes in the “Administrative Assistants Olympics”; there’s too many letters to even fit on the sign.
Everybody knows that the person who holds the position of secretary is actually the heart and soul of “the boss.” The over-inflated ego goes with the boss’s overindulgent belly. Take one look at that guy and you know he can’t run a block, let alone a whole company. He can’t even see his own shoe laces!
The “secretary,” who is usually female, is the most eye-pleasing visage in the office of such an ogre. She is the one who runs the show, much like the character Elle Woods from the “Legally Blonde” movie series. She seems kooky, but her bumbling appearance belies just how much Karma is really on her side.
The secretary orders the office supplies, she beefs up the boss’s lame dictation letters, and she holds those compromising photographs of him, the two hookers and a goat, in the false bottom of her secret desk drawer.
Often the hub of the office, the secretary knows the gossip about everyone who works for the firm, and has the leverage to squelch whole careers over the most picayune of reasons. So a couple of office colleagues were planning to take over the world with their new impotence ray-gun. They didn’t include the secretary in on the action, so they will wake up in Siberia after their surprise transfer arrives at three o’clock in the morning complete with Gestapo escort.
The secretary knows which partners slip off to the linen closet in the afternoon for a session of heavy breathing. She knows who is eating their lunch from a Martini glass before returning for their regular afternoon snore session. Usually that worker’s door has a sign on it that says “Do Not Disturb, Important Meeting In Session.” That, of course, is different than the Do Not Disturb sign on the door handle of the revolving hotel room door arranged for visiting dignitaries. The boss has graciously arranged that perk complete with Ivana the Swedish massage therapist.
The keeper of the secrets, the secretary knows that the workload of importance in any office setting is inverted. The folks doing most of the work and gaining the least recognition are at the bottom of the heap. The bloated, maniacal ne’er-do-wells hold the strings of power. It is somewhat like a pyramid. The largest part is the worker, which functions as the foundation of the whole structure. Upside-down, the pinheaded, pencil-pushing bosses couldn’t support the structure.
Therefore, it is obvious to see that secretaries keep the whole shebang in order. With so much power they can ask for anything they want. So no matter what they are called, they truly rule the roost. A more professional title than “secretary” or even “Administrative Assistant” would be “Fortune 500 Omnipotent Goddess.”
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Giosue’ Santarelli is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. Visit his humor column website “The Devil’s Advocate” at www.devilsadvocate111.blogspot.com.