Posing as Normal – A Vote for Wordplay

Fantasy. Obsession. Insatiability. An electrifying, mesmerizing relationship for months on end. Out of this grew a savage addiction to streetcorner proselytes, nocturnal prognostications and—it shames me to say—wildly erotic polls. Erotic IS the word for “capricious,” right??
Then, in early November, the lengthy rapture coupled with an imploding economy. Kapow! An abyss of deflated confidence, shrinking reserves, and a manic desperation to shore up sagging hopes with something bolder than a weak string of puny adjectives.
Do we crave one whopping grand stimulus package??! You betcha!! (wink wink) Gosh darn it, we want a stimulus to increase the average bar graph by three to four inches!!
Oh, the heartbreak of…ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
There, there, Honey. It’s okay. Millions of Americans suffer from ED—the inability to maintain the emotional and intellectual arousal experienced during an election. ED can strike any registered voter involved in the electile process. Common symptoms include feeling flat, weak, ineffectual, and unable to sustain optimal performance beyond the voting booth. The resulting anxiety erodes motivation and perpetuates the cycle.
No need for shame or blame. Electile dysfunction can result from physical causes. Voting booths generally accommodate persons of average size, and certain individuals may indeed be physically too large, while others are simply too short to reach the levers.
Perhaps, the cause is a blockage in the flow of traffic, or a malfunction of the voting equipment. This begs the question: Does the ED of one Siamese twin affect the other? For answers to this and other concerns, don’t let embarrassment keep you from talking with your city clerk.
ED occasionally manifests as a lopsided election. Settle down, that’s enough snickering. Those of you who find this image amusing have perhaps not yet suffered through a lengthy, hotly contested election while maintaining a bias skewed impossibly to the right or the left. The pain of this imbalance lingers long after the election is over. Be patient with yourself and those you love, because regaining a more centrist position is a slow and difficult process.
ED also correlates to aging. Older folks may need incentive to get in a voting mood, as well as assistance in staying focused and awake during the election process. Arthritis may inhibit them from properly grasping the ballots or from exploring new political positions.
Please, let’s look beyond our own selfish needs and help others to achieve a vigorous, satisfying election. Sure, a few whiny souls may insist that their youthful elections were far superior. In light of our common temptation to embellish or fabricate such memories, however, the AMA denounces that belief as total cuckoo bananas. Moreover, most people agree that even a brief election is way better than none at all.
This posits the question: Can an election ever last too long?? The last campaign did seem endless. For some voters, size is paramount to a satisfying election, while others care more about performance. This author believes that the merits of keeping a good book at hand cannot be overstated. Even within an extended election process, however, the act of voting is relatively brief. If you experience an election lasting longer than four hours, contact your city clerk.
Behaviorists detect symptoms of ED by observing voters’ smiles or scowls as a measure of personal satisfaction in their election experiences. But not all clues are so obvious. Why, just last November my hearing aids picked up the barest hint of electile anomaly from a nearby voting booth—loud moans, feral grunts, and a final howling “Yeeehaaaa!”A tad more data than one cares to know.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that some men find a good election helps them to sleep well. Conversely, tired women often report a desire to sleep through the whole damn thing.
Either way, we have much to accomplish before our next election comes along. Let’s enjoy the down time while it lasts.
Copyright © 2009 by Mary Tompsett
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Mary Tompsett is a self-syndicated humorist who lives with her dog and cats on the far east side of Santa Cruz (okay, Racine, Wisconsin). Her horse left the family for a more stable environment. Read more at www.marytompsett.com.