“…and on every street coroner you’ll hear…Silver bells, sil?” Coroner?? What the…? Sure, we’ve all seen coroners at crime scenes wearing antler hats and whistling “Santa Baby.” But, bells?? That’s absurd.
Anyway, are you still shopping for a special someone in your life? You know who I mean, that “alpha dog” in-law or the self-absorbed friend whom you claim to “love dearly, but…”
O gentle reader, this is your ducky lay!! I mean, yucky…er, lucky…never mind. A recent consumer poll voted my unique gift assortment as the most…classy? No. Breathtaking? Get real. What was that word everyone used…?
Weird.
My popular S&M line of gift baskets will?hey! Clean up your dirty mind, buster! By S&M I mean the “normal” everyday self-sabotage my shrink won’t let me do. Take the Dieters S&M basket?we stuff it with sweat bands, calorie counter, and a double batch of fudge! And to boost motivation, we’ll toss in a pair of size “0” jeans! Not to worry if your honeybunch never squeezes into them. They’re so damn tight, even Barbie can’t zip ’em.
Or, for the perfectionist in your life, give a so-called 5,000-piece puzzle. For a dash of passive-aggressive holiday sparkle I guarantee a maximum of (heh-heh) 4,999 pieces! Truly, the gift of frustration is timeless.
Perfectionists are often clean freaks, so consider the “Oops!” gift basket, packed with homemade beet soup and spaghetti sauce in antique porcelain containers…that leak! Add a set of pristine placemats made from the hides of endangered albino silkworms and watch the fun!
Many family trees grow a dysfunctional branch—mine is chock full of fruits and nuts. We love the “Take Just One” basket, designed to tickle all the addicts with a complete array of booze, sweets, smokes, lottery tickets, and calling cards for 1-800-OOHBABE.
Another perennial favorite is the Resentment Preservation Pack. At last, a way to prolong the life and vibrancy of your anger! Protect those bitter, hateful relationships you’ve nurtured through the years. Pack includes jeweled boxes to store precious grudges, and a workbook for rewriting past fights as YOU see them! Has time faded the luster from your initial outrage? Try our “Scab Off” organic solution to restore old emotional hurts to searing clarity. Order now, and we’ll include a box of “Kick Me” transdermal patches for a steady, controlled dose of martyrdom that can’t be beat.
NEW ITEM! The Inspirational Daytimer for Busy Sociopaths. Your boss or co-worker can track appointments while mapping a stellar career in politics or investment banking. Weekly quotes of convicted felons and successful CEOs speak to the joy of a conscience-free life!
Stressed by out-of-town visitors who refuse to leave your spouse or parent? The Demonic Possession Hospitality Basket can help you both survive the antics of unwelcome guests. Possession often makes for cramped quarters, so we thoughtfully provide cheesecake and chocolate to help enlarge the host’s body. Basket includes an extra toothbrush and jammies, plus a discount coupon for an exorcism and pedicure.
If you’re shopping for bookworms, I suggest a membership in my Inspirational Book of the Month Club. Readers will enjoy such works as: (1) “Procrastination Today” and its companion “Sloth for Working Parents”; (2) “Sustainable Self-Condemnation: A Practical Handbook for Increased Self-Loathing”; and (3) “The Myth of Self-Improvement.” Alternate selections include “Keeping Envy Sacred,” “The Bondage of Sanity,” and “Healthy Boundaries: Why I Wear a Shock Collar.”
Finally, treat yourself to the “Lo! I exist!” lifesize mannequin, custom designed to recreate how you THINK you looked at age 25! The first hundred orders will also receive the popular CD: “It’s All About Me!” filled with mantras to overcome pesky bouts of altruism and soothe the inner child who still whines that Santa never delivered on that pony.
Remember, in this season of giving, the truth will set us free! Ergo, I’m not buying you diddly-squat. The freedom, oh, what freedom!!
Copyright © 2009 by Mary Tompsett
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Mary Tompsett is a self-syndicated humorist who lives with her dog and cats on the far east side of Santa Cruz (okay, Racine, Wisconsin). Her horse left the family for a more stable environment. Read more at www.marytompsett.com.
