DATELINE—Monterey, CA
Local mild-mannered real estate broker, Tom Burns, claims to have discovered the fabled Lost Continent of Atlantis… here in Monterey County. In a rare interview, Mr. Burns agreed to tell the Foolish Times the tantalizing details.
FT: So, where is it?
TB: Where is what?
FT: Atlantis, for God’s sakes.
TB: Oh, yeah. Atlantis is between Castroville and Moss Landing.
FT: Unbelievable.
TB: That’s what my ex-wife said on our honeymoon.
FT: I mean Atlantis. How did you find it, and how are you so sure?
TB: I started with the historical references from Aristotle…
FT: The story came from Plato.
TB: Oh, well. Whatever.
FT: Go on.
TB I WAS going on until you interrupted me.
FT: Please, Mr. Burns. Please try to focus on the story.
TB: Yes, as I was saying, I read a story about it and decided to dedicate my life to the search.
FT: I understand you are also a real estate broker. Do you sell residential or commercial property?
TB: Neither. I sell cemetery plots in Nova Scotia. Niche business marketing. Say, I’ve got a nice little listing, a 3’X6’, with a nice view of a cheese factory. Dirt cheap. Rarely used. Owner just wants out.
FT: Please Mr. Burns. Cut the shenanigans.
TB: The Shenanigans? The nice Irish couple? Sold their house over on Maple St. two, three years ago I believe.
FT: Pllleeeeeease.
TB: Roger. Got ‘ya. Yeah, Atlantis. I found it with a Ouija board and a dowsing rod. I heard rumors of two small bodies buried north of Castroville, and I found them.
FT: Were they Atlanteans?
TB: No, it was a set of Ken and Barbie dolls. They were in a very traditional matrimonial position.
FT: Were they…
TB: No, I said matrimonial, not sexual position. She was standing with her arms crossed and he was on his knees, begging.
FT: So if they weren’t ancient bodies from Atlantis, why did you continue your pursuit here in Monterey County?
TB: Because of a little-known fact: Atlantis spelled backwards is Sitnalta, which is Sanskrit for Ken and Barbie Dolls.
FT: Oh, for crying out loud, Mr. Burns. Please be serious.
TB: Isn’t Serious the Dog Star? OUCH!! That hurt.
FT: Listen, you goof ball. Did you or did you not discover Atlantis?
TB: If you stop pinching me, I’ll continue. Thank you. The story goes that Atlantis is located just beyond the Pillars of Hercules. I used only the first letter of each word, like a secret code, and came up with P.H.
FT: P.H.?
TB: Is there an echo in here? OUCH!
FT: What has P.H. got to do with this rambling insanity you are telling us at Foolish Times?
TB: P.H. is Pedro Hernandez, who received a Norwegian land grant in 1831 for the plot of land where I discovered Atlantis. See, this whole Atlantis legend was given in secret code. P.H. … Sitnalta… Ken and Barbie?
FT: Mr. Burns, I feel that you are wasting our time.
TB: I feel that burrito I had for lunch. Do I need a breath mint?
FT: I am at my wit’s end.
TB: Short trip, eh?
FT: Well, that about concludes our interview, Mr. Burns. You obviously can be serious about nothing. You are a fake, a phony, and a general nut case.
TB: Have you been talking to my ex-wife?
FT: Please do not contact us again, Mr. Burns.
TB: I have five gray finger puppets and five blue ones. I do re-enactments of famous Civil War Battles …
FT: NO!
TB: I can yodel “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree” in Pig Latin…
FT: NO!
TB: I do butter sculptures of Mt. Rushmore…
FT: NO!
TB: Can I borrow some bus fare to my psychiatrist?
FT: Here’s a buck. Beat it.
TB: The guy from The Herald gave me two.