Dateline—Monterey, CA
In a rare interview, local real estate broker Tom Burns outlines his new technology—being able to travel halfway around the world at no cost. He eagerly imparts his ideas to Foolish Times.

FT: Sir, we understand you have developed what sounds like an impossible idea—traveling halfway around the world at no cost. Please share with our good readers this astounding accomplishment, and how you discovered it.

TB: I discovered it by mistake, as is the case with most discoveries. Chris Columbus discovered America by mistake: he was looking for India. My wife discovered some thong panties in my glove compartment: that was a BIG mistake. And don’t forget . . .

FT: Sir, please, we are talking about global travel at no cost. With the price of gas, this has to be the biggest story since the invention of the airplane.

TB: The thong was a leopard print. Satin as I recall . . .

FT: Forget the thong . . .

TB: I can’t . . .

FT: But sir . . .

TB: Are all of these pauses going to show up as three little dots after the words?

FT: They said this was going to be a difficult interview. Please, Mr. Burns. Tell us how to get halfway around the world.

TB: Well, you see, you take highway 68 to . . .

FT: Oh, for crying out loud . . .

TB: Is this going to get me some more dots . . .?

FT: WILL YOU STOP WITH THE DOTS ? ? ?

TB: Sure I will. You just gave me three question marks. I am elated to have those.

FT: What time do the bars open? I can’t go through with this interview. You are driving me crazy. Can’t you just answer the question?

TB: I will for three more dots.

FT: . . .

TB: Thank you. My plan is simple. Dig a hole to China, jump in, and come out somewhere near a chopsticks factory.

FT: . . .

TB: Hey, thanks for the three extra dots. We build a prison, give the inmates picks and shovels, and let them dig their way to freedom. 1). The labor is free 2). If they make it to China, so be it. Good riddance to the prison problem. 3). I don’t have a number three.

FT: I believe the center of the Earth is molten lava. The diggers will be incinerated.

TB: Hey, they’ve been used to being incarcerated, they’ll get used to being incinerated. Anyway, the “molten lava center of the Earth” is just a theory. Just like the theory that the world is round.

FT: Sir. The world IS round.

TB: Really? Well that explains a lot of things.

FT: IF a hole was dug to China, wouldn’t gravity pull them back to the center of the Earth once they would get near China?

TB: To the casual observer, it would seem so. However, my calculations indicate that centrifugal force will kick in and flip them out safely in China, maybe twenty, thirty feet from the hole.

FT: Let me see those calculations . . . hey, these were done on a Denny’s napkin. Is that the standards you work by? Calculating on a Denny’s napkin?

TB: Rosine’s was closed.

FT: Are you to be taken seriously?

TB: . . .

FT: I DON’T WANT YOUR THREE FLIPPING DOTS. I WANT ANSWERS!!!

TB: Testy. Testy! You don’t have to get snippy.

FT: Sorry. So, you have people jumping in a hole in Monterey, and popping out like a jack-in-the-box in China? How long will the trip take? If you pop out in China and want to come back, won’t you bang into someone else on their way to China? Will you need passports? How about motion sickness? Have you notified the Chinese government that there may be Americans erupting out into someone’s back yard?

TB: These are all good questions.

FT: And for Pete’s sake, how long will it take to dig a hole to China?

TB: Is this a trick question? Can I have a multiple choice question?

FT: No . . . no, no, no, you nincompoop. How long will it take to dig a hole to China?

TB: Dunno. I’m out of Denny’s napkins.