Local Man Seeks Help
Dateline—Monterey, CA
We at Foolish Times interviewed, once again, the venerable local gadfly, Tom Burns. The interview took place outside East Village Coffee Shop. Mr. Burns was in a flower print kimono, making a sidewalk colored-chalk rendering of the Three Stooges.
FT: Well, well, well, Mr. Burns. I drew the short straw and got assigned to interview you. Again.
TB: Look out!! You’re standing on Curly’s hair!!
FT: Ah, Mr. Burns, ah, Curly was bald.
TB: Oh, yeah. That’s why it didn’t look like him.
FT: So, Mr. Burns, we understand you are seeking help. Dare I ask what kind of help?
TB: Suoitanly!! Did that sound like Curly?
FT: No, it sounded like a . . . oh, forget it. What kind of help do you need?
TB: I suffer from exercise binging.
FT:
TB: Weren’t you supposed to ask me what that is?
FT: ‘Fraid to.
TB: No need to be shy. I suffer from having fits of uncontrollable bouts of exercising. I binge.
FT: Bouts of . . .?
TB: Some days I’ll be fine. Some days, with no warning, I’ll do three or four sit-ups.
FT: What about the bouts?
TB: You from Canada? The bouts are in the harbor. Sail bouts, motor bouts . . .
FT: DON’T YOU START IN AGAIN!!! Every SINGLE cotton PICKING time I interview YOU, you WANDER off on some goofy, nonsensical litany. STOP! Just STOP!!!
TB: Wanna do Larry’s hair? Here’s some red chalk.
FT: Doah . . . .
TB: Calm yourself down, man.
FT: Let me get this straight. You think you “exercise binge”? By doing three or four sit-ups?
TB: I did five jumping jacks and half a push-up just yesterday.
FT: How do you do half a push-up?
TB: I go down, but can’t get myself up. My analyst says it has to do with my mother and the time she caught me in bed pulling on my . . .
FT: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! STOP!
TB: Wanna help me with Moe’s moustache?
FT: Moe didn’t have a moustache.
TB: Let’s give him one anyway. Look! Looks like . . .
FT: Hitler.
TB: Oops-a daisy. Got an eraser?
FT: If I did, I would erase you!
TB: Has the HR department at Foolish Times had you in for a thorough examination? Do they offer anger management classes?
FT: The ONLY time I lose my temper is around YOU!!!
TB: So it’s MY fault? My analyst calls that a major projection with a minor in passive-aggressive. They have pills for that, you know. Want some of mine?
FT: I don’t know what to do with you.
TB: I feel the urge. How about three of four knee bends? Oh, get that exasperated look off your face. Ready? On the count of three . . .
