DATELINE—Monterey, CA
We at Foolish Times interviewed local gadfly Tom Burns regarding his project to research Big Foot in the Big Sur area. The interview was conducted as Mr. Burns fished in the koi pond at Carmel’s Devendorf City Park.
FT: Hello, again, Mr. Burns. We understand you are seeking grants and funding for the research of Big Foot in the Big Sur area.
TB: Yes, that’s true. It’s very exciting. I need about $500,000 for equipment, field office expenses, and staffing.
FT: What kind of equipment do you need? Infrared cameras? Sound-activated hi-tech digital recording equipment?
TB: Nope. Just a Ferrari.
FT: WHAT?
TB: If I need to get down to Big Sur in a hurry, I can’t trust my dying ’49 Chevy, and my Ford Pinto’s lost its giddy-ap.
FT: How interesting. And you mentioned field office expenses. Quonset hut? Yurt? Where will your field office be?
TB: I’ve already established it. The bar at Nepenthe.
FT: I’m getting a sense of your project. Dare I ask about the staffing expenses?
TB: My new administrative assistant has already asked for a raise. She has great assets. I mean, she’s a great asset.
FT: I think the readers would like to know more about her, my good man.
TB: Her name is Bunny. I met her at a pole-dancing lounge in Vegas.
FT: Was she working?
TB: She didn’t make it look like work.
FT: Can she type?
TB:
FT: Administrative experience?
TB:
FT: Project management experience?
TB:
FT: Mr. Burns?
TB: Let’s just say she’s amazing and let it go at that.
FT: Your goofy grin and vapid stare are most telling. I think we need to change gears on this interview. By the way, catch any fish yet?
TB: They’re not biting today.
FT: What kind of bait are you using?
TB: Well, they’re Japanese koi, so I’m using wasabi. Look—the water’s turning green. Couple of floaters.
FT: Mr. Burns, have you actually seen a Big Foot in Big Sur?
TB: I think I did.
FT: Did you have a camera? Did you get pictures?
TB: I had a camera, but I had shot the whole role on a hippy hitch-hiker in a tiny, tiny halter top.
FT: Was she good looking?
TB: Who said it was a “she”? I thought he was Frank Zappa.
FT: Sir, he’s been dead for years.
TB: Oh.
FT: So let me understand this. You want funding for a Ferrari, a Vegas pole dancer named Bunny, and money to clear your bar bill at Nepenthe?
TB: You say that with such cold accusatorial contempt in your voice.
FT: Big Foot has nothing to do with this little charade, does it?
TB: I saw a deer down there once. Could be a Big Foot, too.
FT: Could be the Loch Ness Monster, for all we know.
TB: Sarcasm doesn’t become you. Want to see my impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?
FT: No.
TB: Want to see my impersonation of Paris Hilton doing her impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?
FT: No. I think this interview is just about over, Mr. Burns. We at Foolish Times pride ourselves on journalistic integrity. I’m a professional, sir.
TB: Want to drive down in your car to the bar, er, ah, I mean my field office for a few tequila shooters? We’ll take Bunny.
FT: I only have a two-seater.
TB: I’ll drive and Bunny can sit on your lap.
FT: COUNT ME IN!! I’ll call the office and tell them I won’t be back until this evening.
TB: Tell them tomorrow evening. You haven’t met Bunny yet.
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Tom Burns can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net
