DATELINE—Monterey, CA
Editor’s note: We at Foolish Times were “fortunate” to have an interview with local mild-mannered gadfly Tom Burns. Previous interviews with Mr. Burns have been taxing to say the least. Once more, he did not let us down. This interview was held on the rocks at Lover’s Point in Pacific Grove. Mr. Burns was wearing a ground squirrel costume. Brace yourself.

FT: Mr. Burns, we understand you have come up with what you consider to be an end to the border problem.

TB: Have you ever wondered how many Fuji apples will fit into a V.W. bus?

FT: Is this a trick question?

TB: No, I was just curious. Thought you may know. I think a lot about things like that.

FT: That explains many things. No, sir, I have no idea.

TB: Fuji carrots?

FT: Dear God in Heaven.

TB: I’ve asked Him already. No reply.

FT: Mr. Burns. If we are going to have liftoff on this interview, I must insist that you cease this nonsensical diversion.

TB: Very well. Yes, I have a plan which will cost very little to end the border problem. That is, the U.S.-Mexican border, not the U.S.-Canadian border. I have no idea how to resolve the U.S.-Canadian border problem. It’s too big a challenge for even a man of my comprehensive insight and brilliance.

FT: We have a problem at the Canadian border?

TB: Maple syrup smuggling. “Dateline” is working on a big undercover special. Hidden cameras. Smeared-out faces. Voice distortion.

FT: I, I, I had no idea.

TB: The C.I.A. is in on it, too. No one’s talking about it. Yet.

FT: Well this sounds like another interview with you, eh?

TB: Was the “eh?” a reference to Canadian dialect? Your trolley’s jumping the tracks, my good man. That’s always been my job, remember?

FT: Sorry. Proceed.

TB: I propose that Mexico will be eager to build a wall.

FT: One would ask why.

TB: Well, first of all, for the U.S. to build a wall, it would cost billions. And with EIR reports and the ACLU, it would take a hundred years. Lawsuits, cost overruns, Britney Spears . . .

FT: What has Britney Spears got to do with this?

TB: She’s part of the plan.

FT: Please, sir. I’ve got to catch the 5:15 bus to Bakersfield. Get to the point. What’s your plan?

TB: Every citizen gets $10,000 in Mexican pesos. It will have to be spent in Mexico. Millions of Americans will invade Mexico to spend their money. Second homes and condos. As we integrate into their culture, we’ll bring our own culture.

FT: So far this makes sense. And frankly Mr. Burns, that worries me.

TB: If I weren’t so refined, I would slap you silly and scratch your eyes for that snide remark.

FT: Sorry. My bad. Continue.

TB: Soon, Mexico will be exposed to reality TV. 870 Starbucks per square mile. IRS involvement. Super delegates. 24-hour cable news shows airing only five minutes of news over and over and over. Drive-through diet. Dysfunctional health care. High taxes. Government waste. Jerry Springer. Pedophile priests. GEICO gecko commercials. Hot Pockets. Mullets. Rap music. Tofu. Section D of Medicare. Political promises. Infomercials. The low quality of our TV programs will make Mexican soap operas look like Shakespeare. And . . .

FT: Britney Spears.

TB: Bingo. Mexico will be so repulsed by the violation of their good country, THEY will build a wall to keep US out.