Editor’s note: Tim Letcher is a well-connected media mogul to whom people submit their outlandish money-making ideas. He sometimes shares the best of these with readers of Foolish Times. Here’s a movie idea he recently came across.

Yet another summer of wonderful movies. I’ll call it (like it is every year) the “Summer of Sequels.” It sounds better than the “Summer of Unoriginality.”

Anyway, I’m writing a script (ssshhhhh, it’s top secret) for a sequel to “Lord of the Rings.” The first three movies were so good, what the hell, let’s make one more! That’s the American way.

Instead of filming from abroad, this all-new sequel will be filmed entirely on location… of a Hollywood backlot. Although none of the original cast will appear in this movie, a new top-notch cast is being assembled. Time is of the essence—it must be filmed, edited, and wrapped in eight weeks. It must be released this summer, even if it means burning the entire set down for the final explosive climax of the picture!

This sequel will be titled (drum roll, please)… “The Lord of the Rings Episode IV, Revenge of the Attack of the Time Raiders of Doom.” Powerful stuff, isn’t it? I’ll pause and let the audience compose themselves—please, please enough applause, thank you.

We want only the best talent for this film. Here’s some of the notables for the cast and crew (we’ll start from the top):
Peter Jackson, the critically acclaimed Academy Award-winning director known for his brilliant ground-breaking cinematic achievements… chose not to be associated with this picture. I know, it’s a setback. I’m disappointed I couldn’t talk him into it.

That’s the bad news, here’s the good news, though—I found another director. We couldn’t afford Peter Jackson anyway. We’re spending so much money on an all-star cast (the greatest ever assembled) we’re already over budget.

With apologies to Peter Jackson’s creation we have to use a totally different approach to cut costs.

Now, I need a director who has nothing but time on his hands and is an expert at recycling movies. We are on such a tight schedule, we need a hack director who says to hell with the time-consuming creative process, let’s make a quick buck. George Lucas! Perfect!

Introducing the finest cast ever assembled. Starring:
Gandalf: William Shatner
Sam: Bruce Willis (still under contract negotiations). David Caruso is our second choice.
Saruman: Leslie Nielsen
King Aragorn: Sylvester Stallone
Elf Billionaire Princess: Paris Hilton
Other Hobbits: Tony Danza, Howie Mandel, Pauly Shore
Chewbacca: Shaquille O’Neal
Hairagorn: David Hasslehoff
Sauron: Tom Arnold
Yoda: Mini Me
Ewok Chieftain: Gary Coleman
Klingon Queen: Rosie O’Donnell

Also, watch for hilarious cameo appearances by C3PO and R2D2, Jar Jar Binks, Regis Philbin, and more!

Now, we need a big-name producer. Quentin Tarantino… is busy. He’s diligently working on an outer-space kung fu motorcycle movie. But he can be a “guest” producer. So it could read on the banner, “Quentin Tarantino Presents,” then the title. People will flock when they see that! (The real producer is Merv Griffin.)

The plot is very complex and emotionally riveting. Our director, George Lucas, assures us that great efforts were made to fully develop and expand each character with respect to the integrity and high standards of the original.

Synopsis: Frodo is murdered by the bloodthirsty resurrected Gollum. The berserk Gollum was brought back to life by the evil wizard Saruman (Saruman actually died in the original, but with George Lucas that’s just details) who chants, “The War of the Rings has only just begun!”

This Gollum is different, he’s totally been revamped. He spits acid and has huge metal claws and fangs. Right before he finishes his victims he screams, “My Precious!” This time in a very sarcastic and taunting tone.

Gollum then escapes his new evil master and runs rampant throughout the picture. You just never know where he’ll pop up.

Sam becomes the new hero (Frodo’s former sidekick) and is out to avenge Frodo’s death. Sam’s arsenal has been greatly improved: his new weapon is a crossbow that launches rapid volleys of fire-tipped arrows that explode on impact. He is one bad-ass hobbit!

The forces of good, represented by Gandalf the wizard, discovers an ancient magic time portal built long ago by the king of evil, Sauron. Gandalf, afraid that the device will be used for nefarious purposes, seeks to destroy it. But Gollum is on the loose and jumps into the time portal before Sam can stop him! Sam dives in after him and they are both hurtled through time!

Meanwhile, back on Middle Earth, Saruman amasses a resurrected evil army of undead zombie orcs to take control of the time portal. An epic battle ensues. The good king, Aragorn, uses his forces to oppose the orc zombies. Saruman and Gandalf do battle on the mountaintop where the time portal stands. An errant magical lightening bolt strikes the portal. It now becomes, to everyone’s amazement, a magical time warp vortex causing it to suck everything into it, including both armies!

Now it’s every wizard, hobbit, gollum, and zombie orc propelled 10,000 years into the future! Into a galaxy far, far away…

Please pause for intermission.

By jumping into the portal first, the insane Gollum has altered the course of history. This is a bleak future indeed. A world run by evil machinery. Missile-launching mechanized walking cyborg tanks dominate the landscape. Saruman and his zombie orc armies equip themselves with this terrible technology…

Gandalf and King Aragorn manage to locate Sam and they join forces with a small band of freedom fighters. The leader of the rebel band is Hairagorn (yes, he has very long hair but thanks to conditioner it’s very manageable), who by coincidence is a descendent of Aragorn.

The small band is aided by the always lovable Ewoks, who fight only with sticks and acorns, but are brave enough to make a last stand against all odds. Chewbacca, who just happens to be visiting an Ewok cousin, finds himself entangled in the conflict.

Chewbacca calls Yoda’s intergalactic cell phone and implores him to come to the rescue. Can Master Yoda arrive on time, brandishing his light saber while flying through the air to turn the tide of the battle?

Meanwhile, Gandalf is in the midst of the fight and becomes a force to be reckoned with, as what was once his old wooden staff has been fitted with photon torpedoes!
Alas! Just when the rebels had a glimmer of hope, the Klingons, to the surprise of everyone, have entered orbit and want to seize the time portal for themselves! A futuristic battle of truly epic proportions ensues.

Now our heroes are faced with the dauntingly impossible tasks of defeating the undead orc zombie army, catching the crazed murderous Gollum, helping the Ewoks battle stormtroopers, killing the evil wizard, rescuing Paris Hilton, fending off the Klingons, and getting back to the time portal before it explodes into a gigantic ball of fire!

I can’t give away the ending, but all hell breaks loose in the dramatic climax! Yes, we’ll have to burn the set down for that effect!

The End