I brought home a half-gallon of ice cream from the grocery store. The list from my wife read, “four bananas.” Period. No milk, no eggs, no ice cream. Just bananas.
Normally, to me four bananas means four bananas, but I didn’t write the note. My wife wrote it and I was sure ice cream was hiding in there somewhere.

“Smoked Almond Cranberry Double-Mocha Cheesecake Surprise Limited Edition. That must have been what my wife meant by ‘four bananas’,” I thought as I grabbed the Smoked Almond Cranberry Double-Mocha Cheesecake Surprise Limited Edition from the freezer. “Boy, is she going to be happy.”

Guys, whenever you think something you do is going to make any woman in your life happy, you’re wrong. Just go for making them indifferent—you’ll be better off.

“Ice cream?” she said as I handed her the grocery bag with the carton and four bananas. “All we needed were bananas. You want me to get fat, don’t you?”

Guys, we may have been smart enough to write most of the major scientific laws that govern the universe, but that’s where our brains end. How often do those laws actually work in a relationship?

Never.

For example, Occam’s razor is the guyest of the science rules. “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.” The simplest solution. Sure, this works when you’re trying to solve a Scooby-Doo mystery, but it doesn’t work when you forget your girlfriend’s birthday.

Girlfriend: My birthday was yesterday.

You (offering the simplest solution): Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I forgot.

Girlfriend: You didn’t forget. You don’t love me.

You: Of course I do, I just…

Girlfriend: You think I’m fat.

You: Huh? Fat? No, I…

Girlfriend: You’re cheating on me?

You (soon to understand the simplest solution was to fake amnesia): What?

Girlfriend: She’s blonde, right?

You: Blonde? No…

Girlfriend: No? Well, I bet you remembered her skinny little brunette birthday, didn’t you?

And it doesn’t get any better.

The law of universal gravitation governs stars, planetary bodies, and really needy girls. Part 1: “Every object in the universe exerts an attractive force on every other object in the universe.” You’re OK so far. That’s what brought you two wacky kids together; you have a great sense of humor and a killer smile and she shows lots of cleavage.

Part 2: Here’s where the trouble starts. “The heavier the object, the greater the pull; the greater the distance, the lesser the pull.” Which is why relationships with needy girls don’t work—they’re infinitely denser than non-needy chicks.

Needy girlfriend (over the telephone while staring longingly at a picture of you): I miss you, my little pooky-wooky bear.

You (over the telephone watching TV and cringing at the sound of her voice): Uh-huh, you, too.

Needy girlfriend: Then can I come over and see you right now? I mean, right now. We can rent “Love Actually.” I’ll bring some popcorn and you can help me do my toenails and…

You (realizing your beer’s empty and the refrigerator’s all the way across the room): Yeah, sorry, but I’ve got this project due tomorrow.

Needy girlfriend (trailing off as you drop the phone on the couch and cover it with a pillow): I’m not wearing underwear…

The best thing you can do is move across town/country. Remember, the greater the distance, the lesser the pull—no matter how dense they are.

If you stopped ten people on the street and asked them to name a universal law of physics, Einstein’s theory of relativity will get a little love. Unfortunately, you won’t. This theory, which states that the laws of physics are the same in all frames of reference, means about as much to your girlfriend as your apology when you’re late.

Girlfriend: You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.

You: Sorry, I got caught behind a biker funeral procession.

Girlfriend: Why didn’t you pass them?

You: Uh, there were bikers and cops. And did I mention bikers?

Girlfriend: Then why didn’t you speed?

You: I would have had to go like 250 miles per hour in a Ford Focus. That’s not pos—

Girlfriend (while slamming the door in your face): You never loved me.

Most relationships eventually end up where they began—the Big Bang Theory. According to the Big Bang, everything in the universe started in a hot, dense state and then expanded. After being together a few years, she calls this your belly, you call it her thighs. Can’t you two even try to get along?

And I bet you’re wondering what happened with the Smoked Almond Cranberry Double-Mocha Cheesecake Surprise Limited Edition.

My wife was so mad she ate it anyway.

Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to the Show-Me State’s Most Spirited Spots,” is available from amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com or tsup.truman.edu. Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonoffutt.com