It’s not often the news means something to the average guy.
Why, for example, should I care that, according to Fox News, Britain’s Prince William has been forbidden “to associate with Paris (Hilton)?”
Sure, as a man, I’m sorry the prince has been denied access to a popular recreational area, but really, what does this story mean to me?
Will the new president smoke in the White House?
What songs do guards at Guantanamo Bay use to break prisoners?
What is the world community going to do about pirates?
Unless I have asthma (I don’t), own an Eminem CD (I don’t), or am shipping a large amount of heavy artillery off the coast of Somalia (hmm, a possibility), I don’t care.
But I’ve finally found news stories that speak to me. Yeah, they were buried on page 10 next to the classifieds, but the news is good … no, the news is great. For a guy, this news is as good as the aliens landed and they brought liquor, the government put beef jerky and Cheetos on the food pyramid, and “Vogue’s Book of Etiquette and Good Manners” included eating sandwiches over the sink as something to do at a dinner party attended by the President and the Pope.
Oh, yeah, the news is that good.
This news involves flatulence and beer. Just let that sink in for a second. If you’re not a little teary-eyed, grab a purse and head to the mall. This column isn’t for you.
Headline: The stink in farts controls blood pressure.
Let that sink in.
Scientists at Johns Hopkins University have discovered that when the body produces hydrogen sulfide—the “smelt” of “you smelt it, you dealt it”—it relaxes blood vessels, which lowers blood pressure. You may have to read through this paragraph again because it says farts are good for you.
This news ranks right up there with an aerosol spray that turns common household items into Playboy models (scientists really need to get cracking on that one).
“Now that we know hydrogen sulfide’s role in regulating blood pressure,” neuroscientist Solomon H. Snyder, M.D., said in the Oct. 24th issue of Science, “it may be possible to design drug therapies that enhance its formation as an alternative to the current methods of treatment for hypertension.”
This is gre… wait a second. Drug therapies? Did he say drug therapies? Drug therapies to give you gas?
Egghead.
This method makes more sense:
Doctor: Mr. Jones, you have high blood pressure.
Patient: What can you do for me, doc?
Doctor (handing patient slips of paper): Just follow the directions and you’ll be fine.
Patient: Prescription?
Doctor (smiling): Two-for-one coupons at Taco Bell.
The marketing copy can be written by 12-year-olds. No, seriously, it should be written by 12-year-olds.
For example: hydrogen sulfide is a gasotransmitter. A 12-year-old’s brain immediately breaks this four-syllable word into “gas” and “transmitter.” Gas stands by itself. Transmitter means passer. Gas passer. He giggles in biology class, whispers this to a friend who laughs out loud and is sent to detention. Any joke that sends a sixth-grader to detention is worth millions in the advertising world.
But the Guy News gets better.
Headline: Scientists say beer has essential cancer-fighting agents.
To a guy this is like spending years searching for the Holy Grail only to find it had fallen between the cushions of your couch.
German researchers have discovered that hops contain cancer-fighting agents that are really hard to pronounce, according to The Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald.
“It’s very healthy,” Dr. Werner Back, a brewing technician from Munich, said. “I think the ingredients in the beer are very good.”
Right you are, Werner.
The cancer-fighting agent xanthohumol (seriously? They couldn’t come up with a better name, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Cancer-Fighting Stuff?) also lowers cholesterol levels.
Good Lord. Beer is a wonder drug.
Although it would take 60 regular beers to equal the xanthohumol researchers had brewed in their test beer, I optimistically view this as an opportunity to drink more beer.
So, guys, go out, eat boiled eggs, and chug beer until people can’t stand to be near you. And when they say something about it, tell them to shut the hell up, it’s for your health.
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Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to the Show-Me State’s Most Spirited Spots,” is available from amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com or tsup.truman.edu. Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonoffutt.com, for his other books.