What’s in the stars for the New Year?
While I admit my zodiac is bit cracked, I have nevertheless consulted the stars to deliver a personalized astrological prediction just for the readers of this column.
Any resemblance to an actual horoscope reading is purely coincidental, and I will not be responsible for accidents or incidents based on my celestial satire.
AIRES—Your adventurous spirit will take you down many roads, mainly because you will not stop to ask for directions. You will probably never get to where you are going, but at least you can say, “I did it my way.”
TAURUS—As your sign suggests, you are full of bull and often show it by leaving the herd to buy lottery tickets. You are concerned with money and material things, which is probably why you have a mailbox full of junk mail.
GEMINI—You rely on your instincts, which is a good thing, unless you are acting on your instincts in public. Although you are willing to negotiate with police officers, you have learned to accept your ticket with a smile and exit quickly at the first opportunity.
CANCER—You are sensitive and caring and always try to help people, even when they don’t want to be helped. If that’s the way they want to be, just concentrate on your own career. Use your shrewdness to get ahead and then you can say, “I told you so!” with a clear conscience.
LEO—You want to be the center of attention and sometimes act as if you have a male enhancement patch on your ego. Try to talk about something other than yourself, if possible, and your friends may forgive you—even though your best friend might always be your mirror.
VIRGO—You are so efficient that you refold your underwear, reorganize the closet, and make the bed twice—and that’s before breakfast. Use your energy on things that matter and you will go further in life, even though you will be wearing wrinkled underwear when you get there.
LIBRA—You try to keep your life in balance—20 percent fun, 10 percent study, 20 percent play, 20 percent work, 10 percent commute, 10 percent making excuses, and 10 percent using your charm to get someone else to balance all this for you.
SCORPIO—It’s the same story, over and over, and it’s always about you. Tell us a new story before we begin to think you are senile. Of course, it’s hard to change. We know it’s hard to change. You’ve already told us, remember?
SAGITTARIUS—Generous and good-natured, you will give away the shirt off your back. Try to be a bit more rational, a little less generous, and go buy yourself a new shirt. Yes, light blue will be fine. Thank you for asking.
CAPRICORN—They have a name for people who work too hard—workaholic. Get out of the rut you have put yourself in and take a little time for romance. And don’t work so hard at being romantic that you become obsessed. There could be a word for that too.
AQUARIUS—Always looking to the future, planning ahead—try to live in the present for a change. Let your insurance agent take care of your future. Oh, you are an insurance agent? It that case, don’t let me interrupt.
PISCES—You are a loving and overly caring person. Don’t let people take advantage of your good nature. (Present company excepted.) Would you hand me the remote control? A pillow would be nice, and would you mind rubbing my back first?
For an even more personalized reading, hit your head with a hammer and read the stars for yourself.
That will be $20, please.
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Sheila Moss, Humor Columnist
www.humorcolumnist.com
