Editor’s Note: This is part I of a shocking two-part series.
Everyone is becoming more aware of the problem of anorexia in Hollywood. More and more people, models and actors, are finally speaking out. Fashion designers are starting to enforce standards to define and promote the hiring of healthy runway models.
But a little-known problem that has been covered up for far too long is anorexia in Hollywood cats.
One brave cat, Elliot (stage name Eli G), has started a campaign to raise awareness of and expose this horrific problem. Elliot began investigating the issue when he recently transplanted to California to pursue his acting dream. Although he declines to give his exact weight, he does admit to being “an ounce or two” more than 10 pounds.
However, when he began auditioning for cat food commercials, a common starting point for many screen cats, he was repeatedly told that he had to lose weight, and was shockingly even called “a fatty pig fatty” by multiple casting directors.
When Elliot retorted that his weight was “all muscle,” one director spat, “Do marshmallows have muscles?”
While in the waiting room for tryouts, Elliot began to observe other wannabe stars and engage them in dialogue regarding their eating habits. One cat, who we’ll call “Missy,” admitted that the competition is so fierce that she dare not eat but one or two kibbles a day to maintain “the ideal weight.” Missy says even she has been told she would be perfect for the part if she “could only shed a pound or two more.”
So how has Hollywood been able to cover up this scandal for so long? In conspiracy with cat club organizations, says Elliot. The Condescending Felines Association (CFA) has claimed these anorexic cats are a breed called the “Sphynx,” which is defined as a feline with extremely little fur and no or few stiff whiskers. Upon investigation, however, Elliot has examined the eating habits of these famous felines and has his own theory regarding this “breed”: “Isn’t it curious that they have all the signs of malnourishment: the poor coat, lack of healthy whiskers, unevenly distributed weight (many develop a pot belly), and wrinkled skin (from too much fad dieting?), which makes them appear much older than their actual age?
Not surprisingly, Elliot discovered that these organizations so influential in defining breed standards tend to receive unusually large charitable donations from major Hollywood film companies.
Another successful method Hollywood uses to obscure the issue involves lingo. Elliot noticed the term “S&B only” in many casting calls for feline parts, and was appalled to learn that this acronym stands for “skin and bones”—“It just doesn’t get any more blatant than that.” In addition, many anorexic/bulimic cats
in show business, such as Missy, vomit immediately after eating to help shed pounds. However, rather than calling a spade a spade, says Missy, Hollywood invented the term “hairball.”
Elliot is determined to expose the prevalence of anorexia in Hollywood, even in the face of death threats. He recently had to hire two bodyguards (because he’s over 10 pounds) for protection.
He has received the admiration and support of animal rights activists and organizations including Pets in Entertainment for the Treatment of Anorexia (PETA), who is sponsoring a photo shoot to expose the issue by posing naked on the cover of the Foolish Times: “It’s time people get used to seeing a real cat body instead of these super-thin purrfect images that keep us feline bad about ourselves.”
Elliot currently works as a plus-size puss.
Don’t miss Part II of “Hollywood Felines,” which exposes the prevalence of drug abuse in Hollywood cats, in next month’s Foolish Times.