Seriously dysfunctional family seeks professional worrier. Must be experienced in the art of hand-wringing and floor-pacing, and must be able to chew fingernails down into the quick. Gray hair and a permanent crease between the eyebrows is a plus. Relaxed persons with a laid-back attitude need not apply.
A formal degree is not required. However, applicants must have undergone at least twenty hours of psychotherapy at a reputable mental health facility and should be currently taking various prescription meds for depression and anxiety.
Duties include but are not limited to:
1) Stressing about teen granddaughter who will be receiving her driver’s permit within the next few weeks. Must have a vivid imagination and be able to cringe in horror at the thought of her driving in traffic with her disability, which consists of a blonde mentality and a cell phone that has become permanently attached to the fingers of both her hands, mainly the thumbs. Would also need to worry about where she goes and with whom.
2) Would need to worry about the health and safety of two grandsons, and be capable of having a slight heart attack or a possible seizure should they mention playing any rough sport such as football or hockey or if they should attempt to watch the TV show “South Park.”
3) Worrier is expected to be constantly concerned about the husband, who has already undergone bypass surgery and whose diet still consists of nothing but salt and cholesterol. Must worry also about his safety at work which entails walking around on the roofs of tall buildings despite the fact that he is able to fall down when standing on the sidewalk.
4) Would also need to worry about son and daughter and their finances, their health and safety, and also their marital status. Would be expected to inquire constantly of both son and daughter if they are eating right, are they working too hard, are the kids driving the daughter crazy, does the son need his laundry done, are they taking their vitamins, and do they plan to get a flu shot. Would also need to remind them to drive carefully each time they leave the house and phone them both whenever a siren is heard in the distance.
5) Finances and family budget worry would include the attempt to stretch each dollar all the way out to here without breaking it. Applicants must also be able to figure out a way to pay each month’s bills with the equivalent of one week’s salary with enough left over for small luxuries like food and utilities.
6) Other miscellaneous duties may include worrying about extended family members, other relatives, and distant cousins with whom no contact has been made in decades. Also there will be a slight need to worry about the economy, global warming, war in the Middle East, health care reform, government stupidity, and taxes.
Starting salary is negotiable and no sick days or vacation can be offered at this time.
Worrier is expected to work twenty-four hours a day and on weekends. Work may be performed in house or worrier may telecommute.
Applicants are asked to either fax their resume, interview over the phone, or apply in person. We don’t really care at this point because there is no one here to worry about it since the current worrier is a nervous wreck and is retiring to a nuthouse in the Bahamas.
