Future Episode

Thank you, Susan, for presenting me with this wonderful trophy on behalf of Book and Cranny. You have no idea how thrilled I am to receive the Axegrinder Award for Writers. This recognition is an inconceivable honor.
For many of you, my story could very well be your story. Rising from the slush pile of anonymity to self-publish—dispensing all of 70 copies of Wishes Were, my fictional memoir, currently categorized as creative nonfiction, with minimal duress and only occasional bodily injury to family, friends, and writing cohorts—I broke through beginner’s block to land squarely in the midlist with my gripping novel of raunchy rural life, Days of Whine and Prose, only to catapult to the top of the Sun Pacific Best Ten Books list with my tell-all, Recollections of an Amnesiac. The trajectory has been long, lopsided, and lucky.
You, too, may one day stand before a group of your peers to not only receive, but also give due. So, now, let me—a simple storyteller named Penny Pinzur Proz—acknowledge major contributors to my unlikely ascent to fortuitous fame. With pleasure and tongue in cheek, I present the following awards to those instrumental few who fueled my rise in the written-word world.
To Fanny Down, I present the Janus Prize. An author and teacher who, through example, taught me how to identify true writers and true friends. Clear and succinct as only Fanny can be, she advised that our continued professional and personal relationship was predicated upon my purchase of her latest, but first print-on-demand, novel via Abracadabra. Ever generous with practical advice, Fanny cautioned me to change the names to avoid true embarrassment, a life lesson she learned at her first book signing when her cousin, known as Fat Kathy behind her back and in the book, confronted Fanny by saying, “Go on, dedicate it to Fat Kathy.”
For editing insight, I award the Almighty Pen, along with a lifetime supply of Blood Red and Envy Green ink, to Lottie Gaul. Drawing from her own history of literary rejection, Lottie liberally lined out, wrote in, and duly directed—with delicacy—what needed to change for my work to meet her singular standards. She, too, not only prepared me for future professional editorial services, but also taught a life lesson: Thick skins wind up on the bestsellers list, thin ones land in the remainders heap.
Were it not for an agent, I would still be wallowing in slush. David Zellnik of the famed Zellnik Agency badgered me to send the first 100 manuscript pages, which arrived while he was packing up his office. Subsequently, I badgered him repeatedly for an update on the status of my submission. Silence was his reply. A flash of insight led me to conclude my novel was lost in transport. Were it not for David, my Whine and Prose would still be moldering in a box gone missing. The lesson learned? Do it right, do it yourself. To David Zellnik, literary agent without parallel, I grant the Literal Lethe Award.
To Claudine Incline Dawgett I give the Author as Devil Advocate Award! Because of her, my writing persona bears three rather than the traditional two names. A bellwether of market trend, Claudine not only shared her expertise as midlist maven, but also cued me on the prerogatives of published authors, particularly those of a major house. A life lesson she promulgated was to arbitrarily jack up the cost of fine-tuning a manuscript midway through the project. Another was to email a communal critique to collaborators of a short-story collection rather than provide private and individual assessments, thereby subjecting each writer to peer review as well as expert evaluation in one fell-to-hell swoop.
All that remains is to name the recipient of the most coveted award of all. As you may recall, I was granted this most prestigious prize last year. In consultation with Susan and with the concurrence of the Book and Cranny staff and sundry supporters, I will retain the Vial of Vitriol Award and maintain the right to name a successor once a writer surfaces who surpasses my level of venom.
Thank you, one and all, and remember to keep the fellowship of the word alive.

Tagged as: Future Episode, Lum Franco